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Zesty!Herc Has Daddy Issues

Issue #129, The Mighty Thor (June 1966)

The Mighty Thor “The Verdict of Zeus!”

Another Thor’s day is upon us and you know what THAT means, don’t you? Yup. Another Emo!Thor adventure, fresh from my fingertips.

I won’t bore you with my normal verbal shenanigans here at the beginning because we’ve got ADVENTURE to get to!

ONWARD!

Last we left our intrepid hero, he was walking away from a distraught Zesty!Herc who’d been tricked into signing an unbreakable contract with Pluto taking over his duties as ruler of the Netherworld. Thor, power fully restored, returned for round two of his epic!battle with Herc, only to postpone it at the last minute when he discovered what had happened. Seems he thinks Herc needs to get his priorities straightened out before he beats him to a pulp. We pick up in this issue with Emo!Thor returning to New York, presumably to get back to business as usual:

I don't think it has as much to do with sophistication as "Hey look! There's a guy flying without a plane wearing a red cape!"

If you’ll remember, the last time Thor was in the city, everyone was mocking him for getting his ass handed to him by Herc. I wonder if things are still the same:

Yeah. Business as usual. Let it not be said that Marvel Universe New Yorkers have a long memory span. The whole city is stricken with "Oooh Shiny!" brain.

Everyone wants to know what happened to Zesty!Herc, but Thor, to his credit, doesn’t burden them with the knowledge about what’s really going on. Instead, after he’s tired of the questioning, he wants to leave, but the rabble just won’t let him go.  Enter…the cabbie:

Seriously? The crowd sounds like they're about to tear him to bits and rather than hammer off, he's thinking a NYC cab is a good idea?

Somehow he manages to get his bulk into the backseat, telling the cabbie to take him to the Town Towers on East 75th street. Along the way, we’re treated to a charming exchange between Thor and his driver:

Awkward. So very awkward.

They pull up outside the towers and Thor leaps out, thanking the cabbie before rushing off and freaking out the doorman who wasn’t expecting such celebrity to appear. The doorman can’t believe his ears:

Well of COURSE he didn't pay you! He's the goddamned Thunder God! He has important business to attend...in Jane's apartment. Emo!Thor: God of Thunder, Asgardian Immortal, Hero to all, cheapskate to cabbies.

Flash over to Olympus, where Daddy!Zeus is having a celebratory “Herc is gone” party, complete with Dionysius and dancing girls. But there is a problem! Daddy!Zeus senses an evil presence, a disturbance, if you will, in the force:

Ta-Da! Well well! Look who paid the WHB a visit before swinging by the palace? Pluto knows how important a good entrance is when dealing with the Olympians.

Pluto demands his rightful place on the council, and Zeus tells him NAY:

You haven't learned your lesson yet, mister. You're still in time out.

Pluto waves the contract in Zeus’s face, gloating about the loophole clause that he’s exploited to get out of his corner. Zeus is skeptical, realizing that whoever the witless fool is that signed it must’ve been tricked into it, but hey, a deal’s a deal.  That’s when Pluto reveals that it was none other than Zeus’s own son, Zesty!Herc.  As expected, this doesn’t sit very well with the ruler of Olympus, but while he’s still reeling from the bombshell, we cut to Herc, currently scaling the massive side of Mount Olympus because he doesn’t have any nifty teleportation powers:

Oh WOE! To be locked away in the dark, no food, no fighting, no womens! WOE!

Reaching the summit at last, Herc has to face off against a new obstacle in the form of a yellow-crested titan. Herc tells him to stand aside:

*whispered* And here we see the rare Yellow-Crested Titan, so named for the lovely yellow plumage and golden skin. Also? I'm thinking he doesn't care who you are, Herc.

Having dared lay hands on the Prince of Power, Herc decides that he is offended enough to pause in his mission just to kick some yellow-crested titan ass. And he does.

Aw, SNAP! Go Team HERC!

When he finally makes it to the palace, he notices that no one seems willing to make eye contact with him and immediately knows something is up. However, he’s still intent on seeing Daddy!Zeus to plead his case, when suddenly:

Surprise! Banished! I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't have taken the time to teach that titan a lesson, whatchoo think?

Not only does Zeus KNOW about the contract, but he’s damned determined to uphold it, despite his affection for his “tragic offspring”:

Now that's a pair of creepy eyes that deserve the title. Odin's got NOTHING on those.

Tragic!Herc decides to plead his case anyway:

Hear that? That's the sound of Herc's mind shattering as he attempts to grasp the concept of being the loser. Also? Kudos to you, Sneaky!Zeus for giving Herc an out without anyone else knowing about it. Secret messages written in fire FTW!

Where, indeed, Tragic!Herc, will you find such a NOBLE and SELFLESS hero to take up your cause? Back in NYC, Thor gets a little surprise when he knocks on Harlot!Jane’s door:

Oh hello there, creepy newcomer who is familiar to me! Let me brush past and cuddle my beloved in front of you, because that couldn't POSSIBLY have any repercussions later! Also? Awww! Emo!Thor/Jane hug!

After practically making out with Thor right there inside the doorway, Jane finally remembers that they’re being watched by her creepy new friend and introduces them. Tana Nile, from a distant…place, meet Thor. Thor, Tana:

Wait, what? Is this an Asgardian custom I'm unfamiliar with? Mr. I-Kneel-For-No-One drops to his knees in front of a random, creeptastic female? *takes notes*

Jane isn’t entirely surprised, apparently:

And you STILL let her move in with you? Anyone else sensing that there may be something...seriously wrong here? With Jane, I mean?

But enough about the strange, Creepy!Tana and her ability to make men fall to their knees for absolutely no reason.  Let’s talk about something more important, Harlot!Jane:

*blinks* You want to do what? NOOOO! Are you still sick, Emo!Thor? Someone call a doctor...oh...

With that news, Jane decides it’s time for coffee, because that’s what you DO when your luv-bunny announces that he’s going to give up being an immortal GOD for you:

Yeah. I think I need a drink too. Something stronger than coffee. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, HARLOT!JANE??

Jane, who has apparently been selfishly praying for this to happen, is overjoyed at the news, and rushes to snuggle her Thor:

That's right, Jane. Get your fill of the gun show now, because when he comes back, he'll be scrawny, unglamorous, LAME!BLAKE. Also? I TOLD YOU SO. Creepy!Tana is creepy.

Emo!Thor hammers off to Asgard, traveling through space/time until he lands on Bifrost and intercepts Balder.  Lucky for him, Thor’s just the Asgardian he was heading to see:

Aww, look at that! The WHB put Balder's initial on his newest hat so he wouldn't forget who it belonged to! B...is for Balder!

Apparently, Odin needs to see Thor, and rather than be all Odin-y and do it himself, he sent Balder out to fetch him. Because he can totally do that. Ruler of Asgard and all.

The what, now? Two things of note: one...can YOU determine which silhouette is Thor? Two...What's with the huge heads? This issue is turning out to be rather visually disturbing.

Thor finds his father reading in the throne room, and Odin informs him that it’s his turn to wait in Limbo until he’s called into action. Thor tries to tell him that there’s something he needs to talk to him about, but Odin says him NAY:

Prophecy is prophecy, son. Get thee to limbo! Dood, the Asgardian equivalent of a "time out" is some serious business.

So we leave Emo!Thor standing in the grey mists of Limbo and flash over to check on Tragic!Herc and his quest to find someone to be his champion.  First stop? Ares.  Herc even asks politely, but Ares, who has apparently had an “issue” with Herc for who knows how long, tells him to buzz off.

Ohhh. I see now. He's jealous. Poor Ares.

Herc has a bit of a scuffle with him before traipsing off to find someone else to pester. Ah, look! Hermes! Surely Hermes must be willing to champion Herc?

Or not. Sorry 'bro! More important things to do, Messenger of the Gods and all.

Time is running out for Herc and with its passage, so too, goes Herc’s confidence:

*cue the vi-woe-lins* 'Tis dark. SO dark. Woe! Is there none who can save him?

Just then, Pluto appears, calling up his armies to drag Reluctant!Herc to his new home.  Every fiber of his being cries out to fight this new tyranny, but alas, he cannot…because it’s in the contract:

NOOOOOO! HERC IS SCARED OF THE DARK!

Herc’s cry of despair is heard all the way in Limbo, where our beloved Emo!Thor waits, bored off his ass:

Verily!

Emo!Thor is whisked away to Olympus, and hearing the voice of Hercules, he dashes off to save him.  Pluto gloats as his minions swarm over the desperate Herc:

Emo!Thor is the only friend Zesty!Herc will EVER need! GO TEAM THOR!

Will Thor triumph over Pluto’s minions? Will Herc be freed from his contract? WHO will be the last god standing? Find out, next week.

Until then (from Tales of Asgard):

Oooh. The WHB has been very hard at work indeed! That's a hat I wouldn't mind having m'self!

 

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


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