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Sif Takes A Stand

Issue #139, The Mighty Thor (Apr. 1967)

The Mighty Thor “To Die Like A God!”

Happy Thor’s Day to you all, Emo!Thor Enthusiasts! We had a weekend full of sunshine and a week of cool temps, wet weather, and the lovely grey sky that Seattle is known for.

Emo!Thor would be right at home here, I swear.

Speaking of our hero, I’d like to address a little… problem he seems to have. See, we all know that Thor is mighty and great, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  But when it comes to women, he’s thus far made monumentally bad decisions (*coughHarlot!Janecough*).  I can understand, based on his history, how he can assume that all women are incapable of holding their own, truly. One can’t completely blame him.

But I have a feeling that he’s about to get a wakeup call. Of epic!proportions.

ONWARD!

When last we left our hero and his fair maiden fighter, he’d just been de-hammered by a giant troll wielding a big, pink …mollusk.  As expected, this led poor Emo!Thor to woe over his soon-to-be tiny-handedness when the 60 seconds were up and he went back to being Lame!Blake. Sexay!Sif, to her credit, did what she could to cheer up our emo hero, but alas, all is not well in Thor’s world:

 

His existence is woe, and darkness, AND the sad.

The distant roar of a subway train headed in their direction (who knew they were in a subway tunnel? Anyone?) sparks a tiny, fatalistic, hopeful idea in our hero’s noggin:

 

Wait, wait, WAIT! Sif! Girl, where are your bitch panties? Asgardian hero or no, SOMEONE needs a reality slap.

Sexay!Sif decides it’s time for a little tough love, Asgardian!Goddess style:

 

Oh HELL to the NO! TRIPLE SNAP! Go Team Awesome!Sif!

As they hurtle through the cosmos, Grateful!Thor is grateful, in the eloquent way only he can pull off:

 

Oh... I think we can all come up with a few ways your mouth can say thank you to Sif, Thor. A song perhaps?

They plummet through the outer crust of Asgard, plunging into the domain of the trolls to seek out their quarry:

 

And red. Yes, Evil!Atoms are evil and red.

When the red atom-screen disappears, our heroes find themselves backed against a wall, in the very heart of the troll-lands, and again, Emo!Thor puts his foot in his mouth:

 

A woman who, might I add, just saved you from committing suicide as an answer to your inability to handle your hammer. Just sayin'.

The pair discover the weapon’s cache, chock full of advanced weaponry the likes of which have never been seen on Asgard, but…hey! Speaking of advanced weaponry…How’s the battle for Asgard going?

 

Oh. Hm. So...not well then?

It would appear the trolls are trouncing the hell out of the Asgardian armies, thanks to the weapons they’ve had Orikal craft for them:

 

Hold me, unknown soldier! Daddy!Odin requires a hug of encouragement! And... a glass of warm milk. And...a story...

Epic!Power!Nap over, Daddy!Odin gets right back to business:

 

Initiate Epic!Spank! in 3...2...

Raining down monstrous fireballs that proceed to dissolve the trolls’ weaponry into nothingness, Odin reminds everyone just why he’s the Allfather.  Of course, the fly in the ointment comes in the form of an Ulti-cannon that zaps the cosmic energy right out of Odin’s little Scepter of Power, rendering it completely useless:

 

Psh! Scepter! Daddy!Odin don't need no stinkin' scepter!

Back underground, Sif and Thor have managed to finally track down his hammer:

 

Uh...hmm. Two things: First? Which one is Thor's? Second? Since Ulik is, technically, unworthy of wielding the hammer, by very virtue of being both a troll AND the enemy, HOW THE HELL IS HE HOLDING IT? *ahem*

Calling his hammer to him, Thor proceeds to open a can of whoop-ass on Ulik, the likes of which have ne’er been seen before:

 

Defeating A Troll, In Three Easy Steps by Emo!Thor. Step one: Get a hammer...

While Thor battles Ulik, a smaller contingency of trolls have discovered Sif’s hiding place. She reacts as can be expected, with tears and wails of fear, begging for Thor to come rescue her:

 

Or... not.

Commandeering a sword from one of her opponents, she proceeds to both kick ass and take names:

 

Asgardian foreplay.

King!Geirrodur fumes from below, watching his warriors dispatched entirely too effortlessly for his taste, so he decides it’s time to get Orikal to help them out again.

 

If you'd like to make a call...

Orikal responds by vibrating the two into the air:

 

No, really.

And Thor, finally fed up with Orikal’s shenanigans, decides it’s time to recoup and formulate a better plan:

 

Angry!Thor is RAAAAWR! Somewhere, Hulk weeps bitter green tears of pride.

Imagine their surprise when, on the other side of the now busted open wall, they find themselves face to face with the very Orikal that vibrated them off their feet moments earlier:

 

Oh! Hey. 'Sup bro? Warm much?

They’re interrupted by the intrusion of Ulik, just as Orikal is explaining that it’s the flames that keep him hostage.  However, rather than focusing on Thor, Ulik only has eyes for Orikal, whom he blames for all his recent defeats.  So, he does what any rational, evil!troll with a chip on his shoulder might do:

 

Cosmic otherworlder bbq anyone?

Outraged!Thor refuses to let Ulik bbq his new friend, so he dispatches him with a single hammer toss, and tells Orikal he can go…if he promises to leave immediately. Sif hears the others coming and tells her beau to hurry this along, but Orikal takes a moment to tell them the future…Asgard wins. And with that:

 

*poof* Ladies and gentlemen...Orikal has left the troll-verse.

King!Geirrodur is pissed all to hell that Thor not only aided in Orikal’s escape, but managed to smash the flame control doohickey too.  Although he initially still wants to fight, even King!Geirrodur is smart enough to know that without Orikal’s help, he’s lost the fight.

 

Aww. Precious. Also? Sif...I'm with you, just so you know.

Topside, the trolls all flee, skittering back toward their caves, making the Asgardian warriors very happy indeed, and leaving Daddy!Odin looking damned good in the process:

 

And stay out!

Daddy!Odin’s fears for his son’s safety are put to rest when Sif and Thor emerge from one of the tunnels, unscathed:

 

Have Cheerleader!Sif, will travel.

Until next week (from Tales of Asgard):

 

The WHB's latest venture, architecture, isn't as successful as they'd hoped it would be. Also? Mountains. You're doing it wrong.

 

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


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