couchlocked.com couchlocked.com

Paging Doctor Death…

Issue #29, Detective Comics (July 1939)

The Bat-Man … Meets Doctor Death!

So I’m a little late getting this one up today, for good reason.  Last night, Dragon and I loped down to Tacoma to catch Rammstein in concert at the Tacoma Titty, er, Dome and didn’t get home until well past midnight.  Was it worth it? Hell yes.

But back to the task at hand… Batman meeting Doctor Death.  Finally, we’re getting to see how our favorite vigilante handles a baddy with no scruples.  And the results are both hilarious and awesome.

NANANANANANANA-NAAAAA! ONWARD!

We open this issue with an introduction to our main bad guy, Doctor Karl Hellfern, aka, Doctor Death.  A man who likes to pop in a monacle, read the paper and boss around large servants:

Doctor!Death... encouraging total world domination, one daisy at a time.

The only fly in his ointment, or bat, as the case may be, is our hero.  What is a potential supervillain hell bent on world domination to do?  He takes out a personal ad, and the next morning, Bruce reads the paper:

Wanted: One Bored Young Socialite To Tango With Villain Intent On Taking Over The World. Must Love Flowers. No Allergies. Vigilante Attitude A Must.

So, as Bored!Brucie tends to do, he trots himself down to the post office and retrieves the letter, only to be met with yet another cryptic missive:

P.S. Do you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain?

Bored!Brucie heads home and takes stock of what he’s going to need for his date:

Because you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Looks like he's going for Vigilante chic, with a side of sassy sauce!

Having donned his cowl of awesome, Batman hops into his totally not Batmobile, and manages to get to the scene early enough to get prime parking, in a vacant construction lot, and a good vantage point, up at the penthouse:

Survey says: This might be a trap! But hey, look, at least it's artfully decorated, right?

Inside, however, Doctor!Death has arranged for some henchmen to gun down Sticky!Bat the second he walks in.  Of course, this goes down about as well as you can expect when you use second-rate henchmen to do some quality henching:

Later, the owner of the chubby bust will cry himself to sleep at night and rue the day Batman broke his favorite work of art.

As always, however, once the hired goons are subdued, Polite!Batsy comes out to play, asking nicely to know who sent them to kill him.  When they protest, things get serious:

*GASP!* Batman! I...I think you're overreacting...but I kinda like this side of you! Menacing!Batsy is menacing.

Before the goons can spill the beans, someone else joins in the fray:

There we go, another infamous Gothamite greeting! Nice to see that things don't change.

Caught off guard, Batman goes down!

OH NOES! Acme glass pellets...the only thing between you and a giant, gun-toting Indian.

And here’s the kicker, as Batsy makes his escape, we discover that the gas coming from that pellet is… deadly but apparently, not deadly enough, as the goons are up and after our hero:

Oh. Mah. Gawd.

Having made his escape, still wounded, Batsy makes it back to his car and decides to address the wound he’s toting:

Woo! Take it off, Batman! *flings dollar bills*

Bruce’s next stop?

Oh, it is SO on! Also? Not seen: Bruce rings up Superman to let him know his choice in costume changing stations, frankly, sucks.

Having prank called Supes and left a message in the Globe about taking up that thrown gauntlet, Injured!Bruce finally decides to do something about that little…bullet-to-the-shoulder situation:

Uh, Bruce... I do funny things too, sometimes, but none of them have resulted in a gunshot wound to the shoulder. But hey! Who's going to question the word of a bored, young socialite with a bullet in his flesh?

The next morning, Doctor!Death gets a gander at Batsy’s message and is rightly pissed all to hell, but he has more important things to attend to:

World's. Worst. Blow Job.

Out on the street, Jabah, who sticks out like a big, purple sore thumb, is spotted by Bored!Brucie during his evening drive around Gotham, and he trails along until he spots Jabah carrying out his duty:

Of course, if you don't breathe long enough...you're dead anyway. Psh! Semantics.

Rather than take the time to explain to poor Van Smith just “what” he wasn’t supposed to be breathing, Bruce slaps him on the ass and sends him on his way, opting instead to follow Jabah back to HQ, vowing to return later that night. And he does:

Aaaand...He's in! Unheard? The sound of that glass panel shattering on the pavement below.

Finding Doctor!Death and Jabah in the lab, Batsy quickly dispatches Jabah with a well placed lasso yank, and finds himself face-to-monacle with his current nemesis:

The Anti-Hero-Escape-Panel by Acme. When you need a quick escape from your local do-gooder! Now, with bonus welcome mat!

They run in a giant circle (no, really) and Doctor!Death snatches up a test tube full of Fiery Death:

Safety first! Fire extinguisher at the ready!

Of course, rather than quench a fire, Batman does what he does best:

Doctor!Death discovers why the Fire Marshall was so eager to talk to him a week ago. Also? Death by fiery inferno = great fun!

And as we leave this issue, we find our hero taking in the satisfying conclusion to our tale:

Body Count: Batman: 5. Doctor!Death: 0. Game. Set. Match. GO TEAM BATSY!

 

~Go Team Batman!
Snarkstress * H*


Share Post :

More Posts

Got something to say?