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Emo!Thor, The Mighty Space Pirate

Issue #132, The Mighty Thor (Sep. 1966)

The Mighty Thor “Where Gods May Fear To Tread!”

I was recently asked if I would continue with the Emo!Thor adventures after the movie comes out in a few weeks.  My answer? Of course I will! My adoration for poor Emo!Thor doesn’t stop just because he makes his big screen debut on May 6th. (Besides, there’s already news of a sequel that ISN’T the Avengers movie.)

In fact, I plan on continuing this until at least I’m caught up with where we are now. Yes, that includes the Siege storyline, Fear Itself (which ROCKS, btw), and the revamping of Journey Into Mystery #622 (another one that is awesome all the way around). Never fear, Emo!Thor Enthusiasts, I plan on doing this for a good long while.  I still have plans to add more Avengers snark-ups, along with some DC snarkiness in the future.

I was also asked why I only do these once a week, instead of several times a week. Honestly, it takes me such a long time to get them read, snarked, cropped and posted, that it’s rare when I have the time during the week to do more than one.  I will, however, endeavor to try to get more out in the coming weeks. Thursdays will ALWAYS be for Thor, but perhaps I can do a few different ones during other parts of the week. Hmmm. We’ll see.

But for now, let’s get back to our hero, currently drifting along in a space ship bound for the alien planet Rigel.  He’s dispatched the two pilots (good thing the ship was set to autopilot), and back on earth, Tana Nile is busily making plans for world domination after she sent Harlot!Jane off to who-knows-where. *pauses* Yeah, I’m pretty sure that catches us up.

ONWARD!

We open with Thor running up against his first obstacle to entering Rigel, known as Sky-station 14-R, otherwise known as “something resembling an Earthly toll-booth” according to our hero.  Apparently, the Rigelians aboard 14-R can tell that Thor isn’t one of their colonizers, and so surmise that he must be an enemy, but Thor, giving his title, heritage, and name, claims he is neither friend NOR foe:

So... foe then? Right. Gotcha.

Naturally, the Rigelians decide to dispatch a ship to take care of this little problem, but they soon discover it’s not going to be as easy as they might have thought as Thor tires of playing around and just flings his hammer at them:

By our Mind Thrusts combined...

Of course, it’s not enough for them to merely stop Mjolnir’s flight, no. They feel the need to cremate it:

And that goes about as well as you can expect...

The hammer returns to Thor and thus, we discover, a new side of our hero… Pirate!Thor:

Yo ho ho and a horn full of mead, bitches!

Meanwhile, back on earth, Pink!Tana is becoming accustomed to this new world she’s ruling and letting her new denizens get used to her real appearance as she takes a mild stroll down the sidewalk:

It would appear that Tana skipped the "Sarcasm" chapter of the "So Now You're The Earth's Empress" manual.

And back in Rigel, the Colonizers have decided to send a robot after Thor, because that’s worked SO WELL in the past:

Pirate!Thor prepares to test the truth of this robot's name after recovering from his startle.

Grabbing hold of our hero, Thor discovers that this Indestructible!Robot is quite a bit stronger than anything he’s gone up against to date:

*sigh* What did I tell you about tensing up the last time, Thor? Just relax and go with it, he doesn't want to hurt you!

Thor manages to knock Indestructible!Robot away and whirls his hammer in preparation for another strike as I!R gets right back up and heads for him again. In fact, he whirls his hammer SO FAST that it begins to heat up its own atoms!

Aaaand...I think it's time to think of something else. Good and proper, Thor? Really? Y'think? I don't know about you, but I don't go around naming things "Indestructible" if they aren't.

I!R prepares to unleash it’s ultimate weapon: A gamma powered immobilizer beam that will affect even HIM! Naturally, Clever!Thor realizes that being hit by this beam would be very bad news, so he manages to move faster than his foe, and knock him to the ground before he can unleash the beam.

WOO! Go Team Thor! Also? Suck it, Indestructible!Robot.

Pirate!Thor commands his hesitant crew to continue taking him to the Space Lock so he can rip it to shreds and they comply, mentioning again the Black Galaxy’s fearsome presence.  Speaking of….

Holy crap! That space ray is totally pink!

Back in Rigel, the Grand Commissioner (no relation to Commissioner Gordon, btw) sees the destruction just as one of his Observers reports the defeat of I!R by Thor.  And we discover, folks, that Rigelians are just like us:

WOE! Emo!Commissioner's life is so burdened by being smart. *cue the vi-woe-lins* Damn his I.Q!

As he emos along, he concocts a plan and has his attendant fire up the matter transmitter so he can take a little trip to the power planetoid.  It seems he realizes that Thor is about to take out their Space Lock, and he knows exactly who’s fault this is:

Damn you, Pink!Tana! *fist shake* How dare you not tell us about Earth's Mightiest Avenger?

At that same instant, Pirate!Thor’s ship draws close to the Space Lock and he leaps forth to break it with one swing of his mighty hammer, but there’s a catch:

Invisi-snatch!

Needless to say, our hero is a tad pissy about being grabbed by some invisible tractor beam and pulled to his doom:

*gasp* Thor! Such language!

And he’s not done:

Okay, now you're just showing off.

Thor arbitrarily destroys some machinery in the distance and prepares to finish what he started by flinging his hammer at the Space Lock, when he’s interrupted:

Wait! Stop! NOOOO!

Emo!Commissioner goes on to tell the pissy Thunder God that it’s not the Space Lock that he should be worried about, but some far greater terror headed for the citizens of earth.  Skeptical!Thor demands proof and is taken to the Tower of Telescopes where he’s shown the Black Galaxy:

Psh. Easy peasy. You call that a challenge? Also: Thor? What did we say about hammer fondling in public?

Aaaaand… back on earth, Harlot!Jane has traded her bus for a plane ride:

Is anything wrong with Harlot!Jane? Where do we BEGIN, massively cranial stranger?

Again, Jane insists that she’s merely following orders from Tana and has no idea why.  Her huge headed companion stares at her contemplatively, and we flash back to Thor:

Dood...what...what ARE you? (Thor forgets his "it's rude to stare" lessons.)

The two plunge into the murky darkness of the Black Galaxy, we are reminded how dangerous this mission is:

Sleep is for the weak, so sayeth Thor.

As they draw closer to the center of the galaxy, they discover that they are, in fact, within a bio-verse, a living universe!  Just as our hero is taking in that bit of mind blowing information, they find what they came looking for, or rather, it finds them:

SURPRISE! EGO! He's been waiting.

Stay tuned for next week’s adventure, where we finally get an up-close and personal look at this amazing Ego, the Living Planet! (Coincidentally, he’s also in the most recent issues of The Amazing Thor…just sayin’.)

In the meantime (from Tales of Asgard):

Not seen: The Ladies of Asgard, lined up at a nearby window, watching the proceedings as though this were a Pepsi commercial. Half naked Thor? Why yes, thanks.

 

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


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