Archive for May, 2011

Batman’s Body Count Goes Up!

30/05

Issue #30, Detective Comics (Aug. 1939)

The Bat-Man … Doesn’t Have A Tag-Line This Issue!

Moody Monday, dear readers!  We here at Hus af Snark have had one hell of a weekend last week, involving much out-of-towning and yarn-touring.  More on that later, with our thanks for bearing with the delay, but for now, it’s Monday so that means…Broody!Bats is up.

And my, how he keeps ‘em coming.  Five fatalities so far that he’s been directly responsible for? Yikes! But then… this is a different time, yes?

NANANANANANANA-NAAAAA! ONWARD!

When last we saw our vigilante, he was watching his nemesis, Dr!Death burn to…well…to death, in his lab, an unfortunate result of dropping a vial of “fiery death” after Batsy ironically tossed a fire extinguisher at him.  With Dr!Death barely in the ground (i.e. the next morning), Bruce finds himself reading a rather odd headline in the newspaper:

 

...doctors baffled...as victim then gets up, sings a show-tune and jazz-hands his way out the door before collapsing in an ironic heap.

Brilliant!Brucie deduces that it MUST be Dr!Death at the crux of this dilemma, despite his obvious “dead” condition, so he pulls on his trusty “mild-mannered reporter” disguise and pays a visit to the victim’s widow, one Mrs. Jones.  It’s there that he learns the deceased DID in fact receive a note from Dr!Death, demanding half a million dollars.

 

Obvious!Bruce states the obvious. Also? All this detective-ing is enough to make a man ravenous!

After he’s stuffed his face, Bruce returns to the mansion to get ready for his second date with Dr!Death, and we are treated to the 1939 comic-book equivalent of a television montage as he gets his gear together.  Arriving back at the Jones’ residence, he quickly scales the wall and sneaks into the office.

Meanwhile, somewhere else:

 

One would think that being burned in a fire would be enough to dissuade someone from smoking, but hey, what do I know?

Quick as a wink, Mikhail hot-foots it across town and breaks into the self-same room our hero is hiding out in.  Batman darts behind a curtain, leaving the safe door wide open.  Mikhail, a cossack like Jabah, heads straight for the goods and Batman decides to follow him back to Dr!Death’s new hideout.  Of course, all of this is going swimmingly, that is until the insomniac upstairs pays them a visit on her way downstairs for some hot milk:

 

...he's BEAUTIFUL!

Before Mikhail can silence the interloper, Batman tackles him and knocks him out the window.  Mrs. Jones hits the floor in a dead faint, and our do-gooder bat tends to her:

 

He feels bad because she was overcome by his awesomeness. Mrs. Jones had a total-fangirl-moment.

Determined to follow through, our hero then leaps out the window and checks on the unconscious Mikhail, slipping the bag of jewels back into his hand and sneaking off:

 

Yes, indeedy! Despite being knocked out a window, boy, am I glad I still have these cleverly placed jewels, right where I left them...in my hand!

Batman proceeds to tail Mikhail as he fences the stolen loot at the pawn shop and then back to where he assumes Dr!Death is hiding out:

 

You mean the fire that YOU started, Batsy? The one that supposedly resulted in his death? It's...odd that he might be living below his means now? REALLY?

Again climbing to the roof, Brilliant!Batman drops down through the sky light, and just happens to stumble on Mikhail’s apartment:

 

Luck? No. It's not luck. He's the goddamned Batman!

Mikhail is inside, not quite asleep yet, so Batsy decides to fling a gas capsule in there and choke him to sleep with the fumes before heading inside to rummage through his things:

 

Ruffling papers, flinging underwear, making a few prank calls.

Unfortunately, Mikhail wakes up while our hero is figuring out his next move:

 

Awkward! Surprise!

Batman leaps out the window just as Mikhail fires his first (and only) shot, grabbing his silken rope and swinging well out of the way.  Frustrated!Mikhail sticks his head out the window and tries again:

 

*Wince* Oh...snap. Literally. Batman Bodycount: 6

Leaving Dead!Mikhail dangling from his window, our hero stops to make a phone call to the illustrious Gotham PD:

 

Hello? I'd like to report a heist. Oh, and also? I just snapped the neck of a baddie. Thought you should know. You're welcome.

That finished, he’s off to Ivan Herd’s place to reclaim the diamonds and put an end to this charade, once and for all:

 

Obvious!Ivan is obvious.

Naturally, Ivan’s response isn’t to spill the beans about where he got the diamonds. To the contrary, he upends the table he’s sitting at and tries to get away.  As Batsy is reeling him back with his silken lasso, he discovers that things may not be what they seem:

 

Halloween came early this year. Guess watching all those Scooby Doo cartoons helped after all!

In the end, Batsy is surprised to discover that Ivan Herd is really his nemesis:

 

And I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling bat! Also? I love how Batsy is honestly shocked at Doctor!Death's appearance. Because being burned alive leaves you untouched and fresh-faced!

Batman trusses up Doctor!Death like a turkey, leaving him to be found by the GPD when they arrive.  Looks like his body count is back down to 5, as Doctor!Death is still alive. He’s already fled the scene, as he does, but he’s left behind another of his love letters:

 

Also? Your response time could use a little work, GPD, but thanks for finally showing up. XOXO, Batsy

Until next week!

~Go Team Batsy!
Snarkstress *H*


Thor and Sif, Sitting In A Tree…

26/05

Issue #137, The Mighty Thor (Feb. 1967)

The Mighty Thor “The Thunder God And The Troll!”

After the loss of my snark earlier this week, I’m glad to announce that it’s back!  Thank you for hanging with me.  While I may be able to skip a Broody!Batsy post or two (because, let’s face it, he’s not quite as entertaining this early on), I can’t NOT do my Emo!Thor because it’s just starting to get fantastically wonderful again.

Now that Harlot!Jane is out of the picture, that is. (Snarkstress! You are such a bitch! *le sigh* I know.)

In this issue, we see a shift toward more Asgardian themed conflicts.  With the departure of Harlot!Jane and the introduction of Sexay!Sif, it would appear that Emo!Thor is remembering why being in Asgard totally rocks compared to his emo-time on Earth. Also? I love that Kirby really gets to shine here, because he has such an awesome inking style when it comes to otherworldly areas. *much love to Kirby*

ONWARD!

This issue opens with our new couple, “Thif”, showing off for each other during a sparring match.  Thor can’t get over how Sif has changed over the years, and Sif, well, she’s trying to show Thor that she’s worth his attention:

Step #1 to winning the Thunder God's heart: Demonstrate your ability to hit thin sticks with sharp objects...

Thor, to his credit, remains emo as ever, but for a completely different reason:

WOE! Emo!Thor makes up for missing prom night with naked displays of power.

Thor then retaliates, smacking the ground with his hammer, dislodging her carefully flung spears and then following up with a hammer fling that turns them into useless sticks:

Power...skill...thrusting... Nope, that's not an analogy for anything remotely sexual at all.

Sexay!Sif is duly impressed, but, unlike Harlot!Jane, she doesn’t just fling herself at Thor and profess her love:

Time to seriously test your skill, Thunder God. *cue the porno music* Ooh, what a large, enchanted hammer you have!

Meanwhile, we discover that even Asgard has peeping toms:

So full of haaaate!

This new baddie sends his forces to quickly subdue the pair, intent on grabbing Thor’s hammer and possessing it (because they didn’t get the memo of “being worthy” of wielding it, apparently):

Poor Thor! Everyone wants to touch his hammer. Also? GO TEAM SIF! Look at her! Not running away, screeching in fear! YAY!

Angry!Thor rages out, flinging away the trolls that cling to him like barnacles, intent on saving his NEW lady!love:

Initiate Rage!Hammer Sequence in 3...2...

He hammers his way through all of the Trolls’ weapons, and even manages to destroy the bludgeon bow bolt they send hurtling his way:

WOO! GO TEAM THOR!

Freaked out that they’re definitely losing, the trolls beat a hasty retreat, with Captive!Sif in tow.  This, naturally, causes our hero to absolutely lose his shit:

Oh SNAP! Someone's about to throw a Troll-Ass Spanking party... And who can blame him, really? I mean, Sif IS rather awesomesauce...

Thor hurtles through the labyrinthine caves below, intent on finding Sif, and everything is going smoothly (if somewhat eerily because it’s so quiet), until he stumbles across:

Should've known there'd be a Big!Ugly hanging out in those caves. Surprise! Welcome Wagon!

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the caves, Struggling!Sif is brought before the king of the rock trolls, Geirrodur, who is smarter than he looks.  While his subjects call for her to be sent to die in the mines, he has another plan:

All that fighting and struggling has made her sweaty. A spritz of Acme Funk-B-Gone should do the trick!

Unconscious!Sif is wind-tunneled back to earth, and we go back to the Epic!Battle taking place between Big!Ugly and Angry!Thor:

Confused!Thor is having a hard time grasping why he's not winning this fight already. Ulik's fury. It is naked.

Angry!Ulik proceeds to throw a temper tantrum that would put a thousand 2-year-olds to shame:

SOMEONE needs a nap.

Confused!Thor just barely manages to avoid being impaled by a falling giant stalactite, only to once again find himself dodging a blow from Ulik’s mighty fist:

Oh crap. That can't be good.

Grabbing him, Ulik smacks our hero around like a ragdoll, smashing Thor into nearby rocks until he’s about ready to call it quits:

Exhausted!Thor is exhausted.

But just before Victorious!Ulik can deliver the fatal blow, he disappears:

Yeah, you better run! I totally had this under control! Totally.

Alas, it isn’t Daddy!Odin helping out his poor son, no, it’s King!Geirrodur, and he’s presenting Thor with a bit of a conundrum:

Hmm. Save your home planet, or defend your new girlfriend? OH THE HUGE MANATEE!

Our hero realizes that Asgard has an army, while Sif stands alone, and so, there’s only one choice he can make:

VERILY! GO TEAM THOR!

King!Geirrodur watches with delight as Thor does exactly as predicted, and once he’s out of sight, prepares his troops for invasion…

TO THE INVASION!SHAFT! Wait...invasion shaft? Really? I should just give up on trying to keep this PG-13.

Apparently, the rock trolls have been chipping away at this invasion!shaft for centuries beneath Asgard’s golden spires, intent on being victorious one day, and that day has come.

Asgard must fall. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL AWESOMESAUCE! Go get 'em, boys!

And so, as the Troll!Troops pour out of their invasion!shaft, right into the heart of Asgard, Emo!Thor touches down, yet again, on earth, to go in search of his new love and save her from the clutches of the Baddie!Ulik:

Somewhere? Just look for the HUGE TROLL dragging the gorgeous sleeping woman around. Easy peasy in a place like NYC, right? RIGHT?

Until next week (from Tales of Asgard):

The Wacky Hat Brigade unveils their new summer line.

 

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


Worry Not, My Minions!

24/05

I haven’t forgotten about Moody!Monday’s post.

I’m suffering from a lack of funny, right now, due to stressful situations beyond my control.

Never fear, though! I’m working on it, and, with luck, my funny should be back by Emo!Thor Thursday.

Here, in the meantime, enjoy some cuteness while I go track down where my snark wandered off to…

Yodeling kitties, ftw!

~Go Team Kitties!
Snarkstress *H*


Jane? Jane Who?

19/05

Issue #136, The Mighty Thor (Jan. 1967)

The Mighty Thor “To Become An Immortal!”

I’d like to take a moment here to express how insanely happy I was to read this issue. No. Really. As any of my readers can attest, I am not a fan of Harlot!Jane.

At all.

And perhaps that makes me shallow as hell, but still…from the first fumbling “Lame and unglamorous” references, I’ve had it out for Miss Foster, and thus far, Daddy!Odin has backed me up in his belief that she’s not good enough for Emo!Thor.  Despite the few romantic moments they’ve had, she just strikes the wrong chord with me, so I’ve been looking forward to this issue with an almost Loki-an glee.

*insert evil cackle*

ONWARD!

When we last left our couple, they were watching the High Evolutionary blast off into the cosmos after having a run in with some Wundagorian insanity.  We pick up right where we left them: Standing on a rocky crag, preparing to take off for Asgard.

 

You have *no* idea. Thank you, Stan!

Joyous!Thor wraps his arm around Harlot!Jane and gets his hammer on:

 

*cough* You...sure about this pledge, Thor? I note that Harlot!Jane is mysteriously silent.

They whirlwind off into the cosmos, straight tracking it to Asgard as only the God of Thunder can:

 

You can almost hear Jane's mind snap. Way to up the creepy factor there, Yellow!Thor. She's off to a great start. I don't see how this could POSSIBLY go wrong!

Apparently, “those men” that she’s referring to are none other than warriors of Asgard, riding off into battle against the dastardly trolls that threaten the peace of the realm.  They’re also carting along a captured troll, and this doesn’t sit well with Harlot!Jane, for it is monstrous and unspeakable.  Oblivious!Thor tells her to get over it and ushers her along to Heimdall:

 

Awesome!Heimdall gets that a lot, Jane. What were you expecting? Glitter and unicorns? You're standing on a damned RAINBOW!

It’s about this point in time that Thor is starting to wonder if he perhaps acted too hastily:

 

Yes, Thor, you totally could ask forgiveness. Once you ditch the easily startled milquetoast you've brought along. If Heimdall startles her, I can only imagine what reaction your hammer will get...

They skip on up the bridge and head straight for Odin’s war room, because that’s totally where you want to take your girlfriend to meet your father for the first time.

 

Daddy!Odin Mania claims another fangirl victim.

Thor reminds Odin of his promise to let him wed this frightened little ninny, something Odin has clearly started having second thoughts about, but he follows through, despite his misgivings:

 

Extreme Asgardian Makeover, Harlot!Jane edition!

And then he goes above and beyond just dressing Jane in a more fitting style…he gives her ANOTHER gift:

 

Here we see the customary Asgardian tradition of "throwing the betrothed over the balcony"...

Flying!Jane takes off for the skies, and at first, all seems to be going swimmingly! But then, things take an ugly turn:

 

Oh noes! Airhead!Jane strikes again! Not seen: Daddy!Odin face-palming.

Concerned!Thor races to rescue his beloved before she hits the pavement below:

 

Sore Titty Syndrome. It strikes the best of us all, Thor.

 

Damn, Jane! Grow some Asgardian ovaries already, would ya? Annoyed!Thor is annoyed.

Daddy!Odin watches from his balcony and realizes that his son is in love with a moron. But! He knows just what will do the trick:

 

Verily, Daddy!Odin. If he can't magic a backbone into her, he'll let something else do it instead. Hey, I know! Let's scare the crap out of her!

Unnamed!Lackey heads off to summon this terrible Unknown monster, explaining along the way that it’s so dreadful and feared that only Odin knows the full extent of its mysterious power.  And lest you be asking just how does one summon the Unknown, we get the answer:

 

Why, you smack the Acme Tuning Fork of Summoning, that's how! You have to appeal to the Unknown's keen aesthetic musical sense.

You know things are about to get really crazy when even Unnamed!Lackey smacks the fork and runs like his ass is on fire to get away. *evil grin* So! What does Odin do, now that the Unknown has been thusly summoned?

 

He sticks the already-freaked-out Jane into a dark room with an unknown, unspeakable horror! Encouraging!Thor is encouraging.

Alone in the darkened room, she senses that something else is there, but since it’s all dark, she creeps along the walls, not knowing what she’s supposed to do.  Suddenly, a huge hand reaches out of the darkness:

 

EPIC!JANE!FAIL. He just wanted a dance partner, sheesh, Jane! Way to overreact.

Summoned!Thor comes a-raging into the room, while Jane weeps hysterically in a corner, and cleans house, sending the Unknown back into oblivion:

 

Oh, SNAP! Go Team Thor! The God of Thunder says thee NAY! He will NOT dance with you to thine groovy tunage, Unknown!

Crisis averted, Hysterical!Jane tries to run away, gets a few steps and then falls down, exhausted from being such a scaredy-cat.  Thor confronts his father about sending her against the Unknown, but Odin has a valid point: If she wants to be a goddess, an Asgardian goddess, at that, she needs to be immune to fear.  Thor continues arguing until Jane finally pipes up:

 

*gasp!* When did Jane find time to put on her bitch panties?

With a snap of his fingers, Daddy!Odin sends Jane hurtling back to earth, despite the protestations of his son.  And then things get a bit… awkward as Emo!Thor lashes out, claiming this was Odin’s plan all along:

 

EPIC!TANTRUM! *cue the vi-woe-lins at full volume*

Emo!Thor prepares to flounce!hammer after her, but Odin stops him in his tracks:

 

Just another tragic cherry on Emo!Thor's woe cake! Perhaps he needs a serving of fail cream, sprinkled lightly with despair nuts, and dusted with bitter tears?

Daddy!Odin knows just what will fix his poor Emo!Thor’s heart:

 

Begone, emo child. Fight baddies. Write tragic FML poems of anguish in that little black notebook you carry.

No sooner does he arrive in the woods than he sees a troll smacking a crystal tuning fork, because word travels fast in Asgard:

 

Way to keep the troll-man down, Emo!Thor. This panel brought to you by the Acme Tuning Fork of Summoning, Limited Crystal Edition!

But, hey, you might be asking, what about Jane? Where did she go? What does she remember?

 

West coast? Oh! You clever man, Daddy!Odin! Mind wipe AND relocation package? She'll never know what hit her.

The nurse on duty takes Forgetful!Jane to meet her new employer:

 

Yes...explaining their duties. Their...extra-curricular, keep Dr. Kincaid *happy* duties. Riiiight? *nudge wink*

Enough about Jane, let’s go back to Asgard, where our hero is facing off against the Unknown:

 

And getting the emo Epically!Bitchslapped out of him.

As he prepares for defeat, for ‘lo, his life is over with the loss of his love, the game changes a bit as a new player takes the field:

 

Woo! Way to rally, Emo!Thor! You take down Mr. Grabby!Hands!

The Unknown defeated (again), Emo!Thor finally takes a moment to thank his new ally, turning to find out just who this newcomer is that has so surely saved his life:

 

Wait...Heimdall has a sister? OMG YAYZ! Impressed!Thor is... impressed by her... huge...breastplate...

Sexay!Sif proceeds to confess her long unrequited love for Thor, and, wouldn’t you know it, he’s actually quite flattered:

 

*sniffle tear* Aww! She loves him! YAY! Also? That is some *serious* love, right there.

The two join hands and realize that this … is AWESOME!

 

Verily! Lust rekindled. For life, sure, but maybe...well, let's just say Thunder Gods shouldn't be celibate. It makes them all cranky and emo.

Awww. Go Odin! Thus we begin a new chapter in Thor’s life…minus Harlot!Jane.  And the Snarkstress rejoices!

And THAT is how we’ll end it today! Because ain’t nothing going to top this. Or…will it??

~Go Team Thor (and SIF)!
Snarkstress *H*

 


Paging Doctor Death…

16/05

Issue #29, Detective Comics (July 1939)

The Bat-Man … Meets Doctor Death!

So I’m a little late getting this one up today, for good reason.  Last night, Dragon and I loped down to Tacoma to catch Rammstein in concert at the Tacoma Titty, er, Dome and didn’t get home until well past midnight.  Was it worth it? Hell yes.

But back to the task at hand… Batman meeting Doctor Death.  Finally, we’re getting to see how our favorite vigilante handles a baddy with no scruples.  And the results are both hilarious and awesome.

NANANANANANANA-NAAAAA! ONWARD!

We open this issue with an introduction to our main bad guy, Doctor Karl Hellfern, aka, Doctor Death.  A man who likes to pop in a monacle, read the paper and boss around large servants:

Doctor!Death... encouraging total world domination, one daisy at a time.

The only fly in his ointment, or bat, as the case may be, is our hero.  What is a potential supervillain hell bent on world domination to do?  He takes out a personal ad, and the next morning, Bruce reads the paper:

Wanted: One Bored Young Socialite To Tango With Villain Intent On Taking Over The World. Must Love Flowers. No Allergies. Vigilante Attitude A Must.

So, as Bored!Brucie tends to do, he trots himself down to the post office and retrieves the letter, only to be met with yet another cryptic missive:

P.S. Do you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain?

Bored!Brucie heads home and takes stock of what he’s going to need for his date:

Because you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Looks like he's going for Vigilante chic, with a side of sassy sauce!

Having donned his cowl of awesome, Batman hops into his totally not Batmobile, and manages to get to the scene early enough to get prime parking, in a vacant construction lot, and a good vantage point, up at the penthouse:

Survey says: This might be a trap! But hey, look, at least it's artfully decorated, right?

Inside, however, Doctor!Death has arranged for some henchmen to gun down Sticky!Bat the second he walks in.  Of course, this goes down about as well as you can expect when you use second-rate henchmen to do some quality henching:

Later, the owner of the chubby bust will cry himself to sleep at night and rue the day Batman broke his favorite work of art.

As always, however, once the hired goons are subdued, Polite!Batsy comes out to play, asking nicely to know who sent them to kill him.  When they protest, things get serious:

*GASP!* Batman! I...I think you're overreacting...but I kinda like this side of you! Menacing!Batsy is menacing.

Before the goons can spill the beans, someone else joins in the fray:

There we go, another infamous Gothamite greeting! Nice to see that things don't change.

Caught off guard, Batman goes down!

OH NOES! Acme glass pellets...the only thing between you and a giant, gun-toting Indian.

And here’s the kicker, as Batsy makes his escape, we discover that the gas coming from that pellet is… deadly but apparently, not deadly enough, as the goons are up and after our hero:

Oh. Mah. Gawd.

Having made his escape, still wounded, Batsy makes it back to his car and decides to address the wound he’s toting:

Woo! Take it off, Batman! *flings dollar bills*

Bruce’s next stop?

Oh, it is SO on! Also? Not seen: Bruce rings up Superman to let him know his choice in costume changing stations, frankly, sucks.

Having prank called Supes and left a message in the Globe about taking up that thrown gauntlet, Injured!Bruce finally decides to do something about that little…bullet-to-the-shoulder situation:

Uh, Bruce... I do funny things too, sometimes, but none of them have resulted in a gunshot wound to the shoulder. But hey! Who's going to question the word of a bored, young socialite with a bullet in his flesh?

The next morning, Doctor!Death gets a gander at Batsy’s message and is rightly pissed all to hell, but he has more important things to attend to:

World's. Worst. Blow Job.

Out on the street, Jabah, who sticks out like a big, purple sore thumb, is spotted by Bored!Brucie during his evening drive around Gotham, and he trails along until he spots Jabah carrying out his duty:

Of course, if you don't breathe long enough...you're dead anyway. Psh! Semantics.

Rather than take the time to explain to poor Van Smith just “what” he wasn’t supposed to be breathing, Bruce slaps him on the ass and sends him on his way, opting instead to follow Jabah back to HQ, vowing to return later that night. And he does:

Aaaand...He's in! Unheard? The sound of that glass panel shattering on the pavement below.

Finding Doctor!Death and Jabah in the lab, Batsy quickly dispatches Jabah with a well placed lasso yank, and finds himself face-to-monacle with his current nemesis:

The Anti-Hero-Escape-Panel by Acme. When you need a quick escape from your local do-gooder! Now, with bonus welcome mat!

They run in a giant circle (no, really) and Doctor!Death snatches up a test tube full of Fiery Death:

Safety first! Fire extinguisher at the ready!

Of course, rather than quench a fire, Batman does what he does best:

Doctor!Death discovers why the Fire Marshall was so eager to talk to him a week ago. Also? Death by fiery inferno = great fun!

And as we leave this issue, we find our hero taking in the satisfying conclusion to our tale:

Body Count: Batman: 5. Doctor!Death: 0. Game. Set. Match. GO TEAM BATSY!

 

~Go Team Batman!
Snarkstress * H*


Emo!Thor Meets Wolfman…Sorta

12/05

Issue #135, The Mighty Thor (Dec. 1966)

The Mighty Thor “The Maddening Menace Of The Super-Beast!”

Finally we’re seeing the end of the Wundagore excursion! Yay!  That means we’ll be able to move along with this little storyline into bigger and fresher waters.  Of course, that does mean that there might be a little more emo to go around, but hey! That’s why we do what we do, right?

Besides, Wundagore isn’t really all that “wonderful” anyway, what with all the animals running free. One might mistake it for, oh, I don’t know… Olympus?

ONWARD!

When we last left our beloved hero, he had just tracked down Harlot!Jane in her new role as zookeeper, er, teacher for the High Evolutionary’s new breed of New-Men (aka human/animal hybrids).  Melodramatic!Thor interrupted H!E during a very bad time (i.e. as H!E was creating a new wolf/man hybrid) leading to madness and chaos, since the new hybrid was, um, overcooked by the ray a bit.  Seems forcing evolution on a species doesn’t always work out for the best, no?

This panel brought you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

Sensing life on the other side of an otherwise solid wall, Wolf!Man decides to just phase right on through to see what’s going on:

TAG! You're it!

It would seem that speeding up evolution by a million years leaves us with not only a cocky baddie, but one who knows all forms of fighting:

Hiiiiii-YA! Having taken Karate myself, I feel Thor's pain because...WHAT?

Wolf!Man then employs an undiscovered science to destroy our hero’s time sense:

Mind? BLOWN!

Thus triumphant over Thor, Wolf!Man decides he’s going to carry on with his deadly little love-fest by destroying everything else in the castle.  Because, duh, that’s what genetically altered baddie hybrids DO.  Of course, just then, High!Evolutionary makes an appearance with an unconventional weapon that is guaranteed to work!

A dog whistle? Really? You are surrounded by highly advanced machines, death rays even, and you pick... a dog whistle? What kind of mad scientist ARE you? Of course...that is a pretty sweet looking whistle...

It doesn’t work as expected, namely because Wolf!Man doesn’t crumble into a lifeless heap of skin and goo, but it does drive him off and give him a rousing headache.

Dood! If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to go on a mankind-killing rampage because of a headache? I...wouldn't be writing this blog.

Wolf!Man flees to put some distance between his aching noggin and the Discordion, and Thor, reacting a tad more slowly than expected, decides to let his hammer do the talking:

Uh... Well that didn't quite work out the way he planned it. TAG! You're it!

Wolf!Man decides he needs a little privacy to concoct his world destroying schemes, so he locks himself in a room, behind a big, heavy green door, which, as one expects, irritates Emo!Thor. As he prepares to bash his way through said door, he’s stopped by H!E, who shows us that he’s not just a mad scientist, but a SMART cookie:

Oh, right. Million years advanced, etc. Is there anything Wolf!Man CAN'T do?

Of course, as they’re dusting themselves off, H!E decides to reveal that Wolf!Man picked the very worst place to lock himself into… the genetic laboratory where H!E creates all his hybrids. Meaning…his plans MUST include creating others like him!

BAD SCIENTIST! NO COOKIE! Woe!

Meanwhile, back in Asgard, Daddy!Odin is only half-watching a joust because he’s too busy worrying about Thor. Balder wins the fight and Odin waves him away, keeping silent until Balder muses out loud about missing Thor:

Honestly? He's just annoyed that he's not in his chambers for the latest episode of "As Emo!Thor Hammers"

Back in Wundagore, the knights patrolling the area see beams of light coming from the genetics lab and realize this is a very. bad. thing.  So they let the H!E know what’s going on and he comes up with a plan to fizzle out the protection on the door with a vibra-beam machine:

Verily, Jane, get thee gone...because you're distracting. And you smell like a petting zoo.

Suddenly, they’re attacked by all NEW New-Men hybrids, created by Wolf!Man.  Emo!Thor and Emo!Evolutionary pair up to take out as many of these new threats as possible, but everyone’s wondering… where is Wolf!Man?

TAGGITY TAG! You're IT! (Seriously, longest game of tag...ever.)

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, we discover Tagar and Porgia getting ready to defend their maker’s honor:

Oh, SNAP! It is SO ON right now! And is it just me...or does he TOTALLY look like Logan's dad?

Weaponized!Tagar gathers the other “good” New-Men and flings himself right into the fray:

FOR WUNDAGORE! ... which doesn't quite have the same ring as FOR ASGARD! but it'll do.

As the battle rages on around him, our hero finally spots his target and takes off for a little one-on-one ass whoopin’:

WOO! GO TEAM THOR!

Aaaand…an epic fight ensues:

I believe these panels speak for themselves. Loudly. And in technicolor.

Once the fighting is all over, and Wolf!Man is conquered, H!E realizes that there’s really only one way to ensure that something of this nature never happens again:

Great. So now we have MORE baddies floating about in space? Like Loki? And Creel? Guess it's not really the final frontier after all, now is it?

H!E decides that now would be as good a time as any to explain what happened, since he’s planning on blowing this popsicle stand:

Moral of the story? Dalmations...not so great for hybrid genetic research.

Finished with his little sob story, Emo!Evolutionary sends Thor and Jane away because, well, he already has a pretty full house:

Really, Thor? You knew? And you didn't SAY anything? I think you're bluffing.

The two land on a nearby mountain top to watch the ship disappear into the distance, and muse about how pretty a new star will be.

Next issue? OMG! Jane? An Immortal?? Say it ain’t SO!

Until then (from Tales of Asgard):

Asgardian big screen TV? Free. Party with the Allfather? Invitation only. Watching your son kick the crap out of Fafnir, the giant dragon on Pay Per View? Priceless.

 

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*

 


Emo!Thor Makes His G4 Debut!

11/05

I should probably preface this particular post by saying the following: I watch G4′s Attack of the Show pretty frequently. More so, now that Olivia Munn is no longer a host (I just couldn’t stand her).  I’ve enjoyed seeing the way they cover the geek world in all it’s glory, the jokes, the skits, etc.  But we do have somewhat of a backlog on ye olde DVR that we’re working through.

So we’re still somewhere back in the March time frame.

When I started this site last year, I just wanted to share my love of the melodramatic Marvel hero known as Thor, and after the first few issues, I dubbed him Emo!Thor because my goodness… he IS emo. It’s not easy being a Thunder God with Daddy issues.  I didn’t think for a moment that it might catch on.

Imagine my surprise when I get an email from one of our readers with a link directing me to the G4 website.  I click on it, and what should I find, but this:

Game TrailersE3 2011Comedy

Seriously! First… Dragon and I about peed ourselves laughing. Secondly? I’m totally taking credit for Emo!Thor because, well, *points at the blog*. And third? OH MY GODS! Chris Jericho is hilarious!

If you haven’t watched the entire May 5th episode of G4, it’s SO worth a watch.

*sniffle* Aw, little Emo!Thor is getting attention! I’m so proud!

~Go Team Emo!Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


Bored Young Socialite…Wuxtry!

09/05

Issue #28, Detective Comics (June 1939)

The Bat-Man … Because Batsy needs no introduction.

Something I’m coming to realize about the older Batman comics, unlike Marvel’s Thor comics, is that they don’t always have a tag-line for the issue.  For example, DC #27 had “The Case of the Chemical Syndicate”, but this one skips that entirely. It’s just… The Bat-Man. And really?

It’s all you need. Because he’s the goddamned Bat-Man!

NANANANANANANA-NAAAAA! ONWARD!

We begin this issue with a bit of a recap about WHO the Bat-Man really is (bored, young socialite Bruce Wayne) and right into a paperboy heralding a recent string of robberies that has the police force stumped!  Naturally, a bored, young socialite, with nothing better to do, might see fit to try his hand at solving the crimes:

By impersonating an officer of the law and phoning his gimp, naturally.

That little tidbit in hand, the Bat-Man finds himself waiting atop the roof when the criminals are making their getaway and decides it’s time to intercede:

Aaaand... right over the edge. Good job, Batsy! One down, one to go.

The other thief, freaked out by what just happened, reaches for his gun and our hero quickly pops him one, causing him to drop his booty:

*click* That's it Batsy! Show us "guilty of perpetuating a crime"! *click* Perfect! Who's the big bad bat about town?

When the cops show up, having been alerted to the activity on the roof by the body of one jewel thief landing on the pavement below, they “catch” Batsy getting away by means of flinging himself off the roof, somersaulting away and swinging off to a new rooftop:

A perfect 10! Even the cops are impressed. Judges?

The cops seem satisfied with having recaptured the jewels and one of the thieves, and seem secure in the knowledge that Batman must be the ring-leader of the thieving ring. The next day, the paper headlines scream the obvious:

*evil cackle* Yessss. They do not expect us. Brilliant! This couldn't POSSIBLY be a set up!

Unnamed!Baddie gathers his new crew, and lays out the new plan:

Completely oblivious to the large, bat-shaped man hanging willy nilly outside the window IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

That night, the new crew of the baddie known as Frenchy (really?), are ogling their haul, patting each other on the back for their good henchman-ing, when they get a little visitor:

Well, isn't that nice! A proper vigilante must always mind his manners! Mama Bat would be so proud.

Polite!Batsy calls his good pal, Commissioner Gordon, giving him the address of the bound-up baddies before departing. It seems he has some unfinished business to attend to across town:

OH MY GODS! Frenchy!Blake! I wondered where Lame!Blake had gotten off to...

Imagine Frenchy!Blake’s surprise when it’s not his boys on the other side of the door, but Batsy himself!

Candy-gram! Understated, and yet, right on par with what I was JUST saying.

Surprise!Batsy clocks Frenchy out the window, only this time, he doesn’t let him fall to his death:

Let's see... fall to the death or forced confession? Hmm. Decisions!

Frenchy!Blake agrees and Batsy hauls him back up to write out his little love note to the police, confessing all of his involvement.  As Batman looks it over, stating his satisfaction with the document, Frenchy!Blake has a change of heart:

SURPRISE! Attack pattern Frenchy!

Batman counters with a punch to the jaw before trussing him up like a turkey and hauling him down to the (totally not)batmobile:

Putting the "drive" in "Drive-by". Go Team Batsy!

The police drag Unconscious!Frenchy inside and we close with Gordon getting a gander at the note left behind:

Here you go, chum. I've solved the case for you. XOXO, Batsy

 

Also, I do apologize about this going up a bit later than anticipated, but I’ve been recovering from my post-Thor coma this weekend, with a full on write up of the experience to come. Also, also? Check out the new ticker on the front page, if you haven’t already. *grins*

 

~Go Team Batsy!
Snarkstress *H*

 


It’s showtime!

05/05

Waiting patiently for the midnight showing of Thor 3d. *fangirl quiver* Our server is dressed for the show with helmet and mini Mjollnir :)

*edited to add*

Words cannot adequately express right now how deliriously happy I am! It was everything I could’ve hoped for and MORE. *fangirl bliss*

*tear* My Emo!Thor! He’s all grown up on the big screen!

~GO TEAM THOR!
Snarkstress *H*


Emo!Thor And The People Breeders!

05/05

Issue #134, The Mighty Thor (Nov. 1966)

The Mighty Thor “The People Breeders!”

I’m of a mixed mind when it comes to the name of this issue. “The People Breeders”. It could really go either way, couldn’t it? What kind of people are being bred? WHO is doing the breeding? Is Harlot!Jane involved?

All things considered, there are three guest spots in this issue, two we’re told about up front:

Well alright then. So ... pay them no mind at all?

And one that we’re NOT told about…and I won’t spoil it for you here.

I’m also hoping that after this issue and *maybe* the next, we might very well get a break in the “intergalactic hero” bit for a little while. My super sci-fi sensors are starting to fizzle.

But enough of my whining!

ALSO! OMGOMG! THOR! TOMORROW! GUESS WHO’S GOING TO THE 12:01AM SHOWING OF THOR 3D? *total fangirl meltdown*

ONWARD!

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was dashing away from the Black Galaxy, his humanoid recorder friend in tow, having just convinced Planet!Ego to leave everyone alone.  With his hammer.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

As they approach the outer edges of Rigel, they are snagged by a Rigellian sentry ship, beamed aboard, and taken back to the main dood in charge. It’s there that it’s mentioned there’s some sort of huge anomaly headed in their direction and they immediately take off:

Let's do the time warp agaaaaaain...

It’s sort of a shame that they did just leap out to parts unknown without sticking around, because man, would they have gotten an eye-full!

And he's Huuuungry! Looks like Ego's about to become an over-sized moon pie.

Rather than watch the carnage about to ensue, we flash over to where Pink!Tana is still arguing with dispatch about her claim of Earth:

Pink!Tana learns earth's cruelest lesson: Life isn't fair. Also? Pink is NOT the cheeriest color. It is the color of failure.

Just then, Thor and two colonizer cohorts show up to escort her off the premises, much to the chagrin of the police officers watching.  Before he lets them take her, however, Emo!Thor has a question for Pink!Tana:

I keep waiting for the grand reveal that Pink!Tana is really Harlot!Jane in disguise. Alas, it is but a dream.

One of the colonizers gives Thor a Psyche-Search Gauge, telling our hero that with it, he’ll be able to track down his lady love. It’s right about then that the police start getting all riled up:

First you want her to go, NOW you want her to stay? Make up your minds already!

On the rooftop, the other colonizers finally get the opportunity to inform Pink!Tana of her next mission:

Wife!Tana... Because even a failed colonizer Empress deserves to be loved!

The police watch them leave and Engrossed!Thor is too busy fiddling with his new toy to pay much attention to anything they’re saying:

Heeeey... this thing is pretty nifty, guys! Guys?

As our hero continues to callibrate his new gadgetry, we flash over to a village square somewhere in a remote European country, where Tagar, Porgia, and Jane are traveling by car:

Wundagore? Wunda what they were smoking when they game up with that name. Also? NOW you start to question it, Jane? NOW? *facepalm*

Tagar and Porgia reassure themselves (and Jane) that any bandits on the road won’t be a problem; the High Evolutionary has things well in hand (whomever that might be) and all is well in the world:

And then *that* happened...so much for the bandits not being an issue.

Bandits leap out and swarm the car, Tagar leaps out and starts kicking some righteous ass, foregoing all the “name taking” crap, and suddenly:

The calvary arrives! Obvious bandit is... well... obvious.

But rather than take time to see who it is that’s coming to the rescue, we leap over instead to our hero, flying along the lonely road to Wundagore with his nifty new Jane-o-meter.  He spies the beaten bandits limping along and decides to investigate:

Shake him harder, Thor! Maybe you'll jostle a memory out of him! Pretty sure someone's regretting that last "smoke" before the big ambush.

Irritated!Thor leaves them be, since they aren’t making any sense and won’t stop shrieking in fear long enough to provide a sensible answer, so he does what any questioning Thunder God would do:

Up, up...and away! Sorry. Wrong comic.

Seeing a fissure in the mountain pass just big enough for him to hammer through, he darts in, and is completely surprised by what’s on the other side:

Hey! It's the Wunda-Welcome Wagon! Who brought the cookies?

They truss up Thor like a Thanksgiving turkey and haul him off to meet this “High Evolutionary” we’ve heard scant bits of information about. Upon landing, Thor demands to be un-trussed, but it would appear the Knights aren’t quite so accommodating:

'Kay look...he DID ask nicely. GO TEAM THOR!

He shows them all what it means to have Thor in their presence and they relent, finally, after having some sense clobbered into them.  Thor demands to see the faces of his abductors, and after a bit of back and forth, they relent:

*girlie scream* THE HORROR! *cue creepy organ music*

But enough about that. Hey, didn’t Stan say something about a completely unnecessary appearance by Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch?

Haha! N00b. Disc brakes. Ooh! Shiny.

They ruminate for a moment whether yon sparkly mountain top light has something to do with their OWN mutant abilities, and we flash into the lab of the High Evolutionary, hard at work creating a new New-Man:

The Dog Whisperer tries out his newest obedience contraption...the doggie tanning bed. For the pups that just want that golden, sun-kissed glow!

Just as the experiment starts, and all the wheels are in motion to affect this transformation from wolf to, er, wolf-man, there’s a knock at the door:

Oh, SNAP! Looks like High Evolutionary is about to send these four to bed without any supper.

Irritated at this interruption, he points Emo!Thor in the direction of his lady love and walks away in disgust:

*Gasp!* Well I never! EPIC!FLOUNCE!

Melodramatic!Thor stalks off, and finds himself face to face with Harlot!Jane:

Who now, apparently, talks to the animals. Awkward! Just call her Jane!Doolittle. I've heard that kids can be beasties, but really, isn't this just taking it a touch too far?

Just as Thor explains to Jane that it’s time for them to vamoose, back in the lab, something big is about to go down:

Oh crap. Someone didn't read all the instructions before starting his experiment. 'Do not leave evolutionary ray unattended for longer than a nanosecond. ESPECIALLY if interrupted by a Thunder God.'

High Evolutionary (high on what, Snarkstress has to wonder) realizes it’s way too late to turn the machine off, and rues the fact that this is all Thor’s fault:

And if he should be evil... I wonder if we can tame him with a milkbone?

Of course, this being Marvel, you have to realize that what comes OUT of the machine is infinitely worse than what went in, and we aren’t disappointed:

AND I HUNGER! FOR ... a nice steak and maybe some fries?

Evil!Wolfman takes note of the “living presences” nearby, just as Thor and Jane are hotfooting it for the door:

Damnit, Jane! Did you have to wear that perfume today?

And that’s where we leave it for now.  Until next time (from Tales of Asgard):

The Wacky Hat Brigade tries a new tactic to woo customers back to their store...

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*