Archive for January, 2011

Snarkstress, You’ve Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do…

30/01

Things have been quiet around Hús af Snark of late….at least, externally.  Inside the house, however, there has been MUCH gaming taking place on the PS3.  See, as I mentioned last week, I managed to get a copy of DC Universe Online (’twas sent to me by a friend) and I have been wrapped up in creating amazing heroes, dastardly villains, and carrying out or thwarting the schemes of some of the biggest names in the DC Universe:  Joker, Harley Quinn, Lex Luthor, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, etc.  You’ll also find some lesser known ones lurking about as well, along with a whole host of brand NEW heroes and villains doing what they do best.

I will be the first to admit it: I don’t play online WoW style games. Ever.  Considering how quickly I get sucked in, I do it for my own mental well-being.  But when I’m given a game to play, told I’m really going to like it, and it involves some of my very favorite characters from one of my very favorite comics publishers… well, it was inevitable really.

So here’s a review for all of you who haven’t already started playing, were curious about it, or eyeballing it skeptically on the shelves at your local gaming depot: It rocks.

No, really.  There are, as to be expected, a few snafus that pop up from time to time (it IS online, after all), but the graphics are amazing.  You can tell that the team that put this together truly spent time on getting all the details.  Both Metropolis AND Gotham are exquisitely detailed.  Leveling up doesn’t take thousands of hours of gameplay (thankfully!) and the challenges awaiting you are actually pretty intensive.  There are TONS of missions to go on, for both heroes and villains, and while character creation is rather simplistic, the add-ons  you pick up throughout the gameplay itself makeup for the lack.

There are some incredible cut scenes and as far as I can tell, this game is just going to keep getting better as they start adding more and more downloadable content to it.  Even n00bs to the online gaming experience will find something here to enjoy.

As for me, well, I’ll be wandering around between the cities, completing missions as they come to me, and looking supremely awesome doing it! Dragon tells me that my baddie looks like the Riddler’s daughter and that my heroine looks like Moltov Cocktease… and I have to agree, although that wasn’t my intent for either.  All I know is this: It’s easy to get caught up in the gameplay because it’s so much damned fun.

Between DCUO, Little Big Planet 2, Dance Central and Your Shape Fitness Evolved…well, let’s just say that this gamer-girl is quite busy of late. BUT DO NOT DESPAIR! I am still working on Emo!Thor posts :) I wouldn’t abandon you like that, especially now that it’s only a matter of about three months, give or take, before we can go squee over him on the big screen!

I may be a Batman girl at heart, but I’m making room for Thor.

~Comic-Squee!
Snarkstress *H*


Thor Vs. Destroyer, Final Round!

27/01

Issue #119, Journey Into Mystery (Aug. 1965)

The Mighty Thor “The Day Of The Destroyer!”

That last issue certainly ended in one hell of a nail-biter, didn’t it? I mean, if had been reading the comics back then, well, I’d most certainly have been beside myself with worry until this issue came along.  There’s a reason I tend to wait until major story arcs are finished before reading them (see: Kingdom Come, Siege, etc.)…I have the same problem with television series.  It’s both thrilling and agonizing to be left hanging (Snarkstress Note: And trust me, it would’ve been MUCH longer than just a week. Sorry…I am totally made of E!T fail!) until you find out.

Thankfully, I have the benefit of knowing that our hero, does, in fact survive this first encounter with Destroyer, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting… or does it?

ONWARD!

When last we left Emo!Thor, he was trapped in a floor made of diamond, courtesy of the Destroyer, and was staring down an energy beam intent on his utter annihilation. In case you missed it and are unsure of just what the Destroyer is:

Accidentally on PURPOSE, he meant to say, because the waking of Destroyer was completely NOT an accident. *coughLoki'sfaultcough*

Apparently this bolt of elemental power, upon touching our Hero, is supposed to transform Thor into into another element. Except.. it kinda doesn’t.

So... he's a ghost now? And this is a good thing? Doesn't that imply a state of... deadness?

It would appear that Ghost!Thor’s new state won’t save him for long.  See, the Destroyer is adaptable and he lets our hero know that just because the density of his molecules is changed, that doesn’t mean he can’t still kick his ass from here to Asgard.  Thankfully, Ghost!Thor has the smarts to take THAT little tidbit of information and turn it to his advantage:

Now there's something you don't see addressed very often in comics. GO TEAM THOR!

But what’s this? No sooner does Ghost!Thor hit the floor below than his body goes solid again. Odd.  There’s only one explanation for this:

WHO INDEED??

With Thor left to ponder who might be coming to his aid, we cut away again, skipping up the Rainbow Bridge to Asgard, where we find Loki’s guards questioning just why their captive has been so very quiet lately.  Considering last issues outbursts, a quiet Loki is a dangerous Loki, so they decide to take a peek and find Quiet!Loki passed out on the floor, face down (something that seems to be status quo with magic users here):

Epic Tantrum? Nay. Epic!THOUGHT! Looks like someone's been astral partying with Dr. Strange...

Just then, Loki comes around, just in time to rave at the guards about saving Thor’s life.  But the strain has been too much… he’s spent.

Oh DRAMATIZE Emo!Loki! Maybe next time you'll think twice about scheming so hard.

As his mental wave searches out the Norn Queen, we flash on back to Emo!Thor and his aching limbs:

Oh woe. WOE! He is unable to deliver the righteous beat-down that Destroyer deserves!

Right about then, Destroyer notices that our hero is no longer “unsolid” and decides to do what the situation is just screaming for:

KILL IT WITH FIRE! (Also? Check out the knobs on that handy tree limb our seething-breasted hero is clinging to. Harlot!Jane would be scandalized.)

Grope!Thor is tired of running away and he’s not going to take it anymore.  What’s a Thunder God to do when he’s trapped and at a total loss for what to do?  He sets his shoulders against the wall and uses those powerful legs of his to bring the house down:

Literally. A MILLION TONS of rock. Isn't that the equivalent of an actual mountain?

Obviously, it doesn’t work. But it does slow Destroyer down for a millisecond, which is more than enough time for Thor to escape through a side tunnel.  Now that he’s been given a moment to do more than flee, he decides to strike at the one vulnerable target Destroyer seems to have:

OH SNAP! Whatchoo gonna do NOW, Destroyer? HUH?

Destroyer answers in a rather unexpected fashion, reminding Thor that all he has to do is lower his visor and disintegration rays will finish the job he’s so smashingly started:

Damnit. He totally called your bluff, dood. Think fast! (Although, technically, if he WERE to be disintigrated, something tells me Odin's anger would be the least of Thor's concerns.)

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki’s mental wave image has finally reached the Norn Queen and he begs for help in the only way that Loki knows how:

That is... he ORDERS her to help him. Because even now, Loki's too proud to beg.

Also? WHAT is on her head? Is she rehearsing for her role as Max in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas?

Judge for yourself. I think she's nailed it.

She sends Loki’s image away and pulls out the big guns:

Aww, thanks, Stan! Is that comic speak for, "We have no clue how to say this in Norse and we know you're not going to go look it up yourself" or is it more along the lines of "We, your Benevolent Overlords, TOTALLY know how to say it but we don't want you to feel like we're better than you or anything."

Apparently, whatever dark forces it is that she calls upon listen to her, and she finds her way into Slumbering!Odin’s room to tickle his astral nose and wake him up:

*tickletickle* Whoa there, Odin. I think that qualifies as an EPIC!AWAKENING!

He’s immediately up and barking orders, just as if he’d never passed out in the first place. He heads to the Cosmic!TV to check in on his favorite show, only to find that dire things are taking place:

I know, right? Don't you just HATE when you miss an episode and find yourself wondering what the HELL happened to your favorite character? I think we ALL know who's to blame here.

Daddy!Odin immediately tries to help, but Thor says him NAY, informing him, instead, that HE would rather be the one to end his own battle. Go Team Thor! He doesn’t need help from ANYONE!  The Destroyer slooooowly starts to lift the visor, but at the last second, he changes his mind:

DAMNIT! He simply cannot bear to harm himself. Bluff-calling FAIL!

Destroyer!Hunter’s essence goes back into his body, and he tries to trip up Emo!Thor, testing his resolve:

Neener neener? Damn that "no harming humans" oath, because I KNOW that Emo!Thor is just itching to smack a bitch.

The fakeout almost works! Hunter dodges at the last second and lunges back at the Destroyer armor, thinking to get his human body OUT of Thor’s grasp and into that of the suit.  However, our hero isn’t quite as dumb as his golden hued locks might suggest:

Oh stop being such a baby. You know he's obligated to save you. Even Thor is disgusted by his sniveling.

He sweeps Whiny!Hunter outside, just as the temple crumbles to the ground. From a higher perch, our hero pauses to reflect on the events of the day:

Verily. For I am Thor, and I'm awesome.

He reassures Greedy!Hunter that he was merely a buffeted pawn in a game of Asgardian chess and then he turns his attention to Asgard, where Daddy!Odin awaits him with open arms and words of praise.  Moments later, however, Odin has Loki hauled in, because who ELSE could it have POSSIBLY been? Odin prepares to lay the smack-down on kneeling Loki, when one of the guards pipes up with the little fact of Loki trying to wake Odin so he could save Thor:

NOTHING....except a logical argument in Groveling!Loki's favor...DAMNIT!

Predictably, this softens Daddy’s heart a bit, and instead of ending him right there on the spot, he instead makes him someone else’s problem for a while:

Alas! Poor Ularic! What the hell did HE do to piss off Odin, I wonder? (Also? Thank you, Helpful Stan, for once again enlightening those of us who don't have access to a dictionary... or common sense... or the ability to read.)

Naturally, this pronouncement does NOT sit well with Evil!Loki, and rather than be grateful that he’s still ALIVE after that debacle, he instead goes whiny emo on us again about how he’s the Prince of Evil and not some filthy peasant:

Oh yeah. About those stones...

Back on earth, Thor lets the Hunter go on his merry way because he has more important things to think about than dealing with a man who just tried to kill him as the Destroyer:

Oh NOES! Poor Mjolnir is a bit lopsided and worse for the wear. WOE! How on Asgard is he going to fix it?

He tries to assess the damage, taking to the skies to see if it’s even worth trying to fly, and finds himself sorely disappointed at the less than graceful glide:

*cracks up* I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. But then, what did he expect? Thunder Gods aren't supposed to bounce off the ground like that.

There, there, baby. Emo!Thor will make it all better. *sniffle* Don't you EVER doubt the love of a Thunder God for his hammer. Ever.

He needs to find a forge (and he’s under the mistaken impression that he’ll find the MIGHTIEST one here in America) but how to get there? Oh hey! Those Norn Stones might just come in handy right about now, ya think?

Oh I'll bet that longing is hard to ignore. It's been too long since Mjolnir received its gentle rubbing.

He flies off, mentioning that as SOON as his hammer is fixed, he’s going to go kick some righteous Loki ass when he gets back to Asgard. He is blissfully unaware of Loki’s indentured servitude to Ularic, but our villain du jour isn’t resting on his laurels, quite the opposite, in fact:

REALLY, Loki? You're really going to try something now? *hands thrown* I don't know what we're going to do with you.

Stay tuned: In the next issue, we find our hero coming home to an empty Jane-free office, fighting an old foe, and trying to make sense of the wacky way his life has gone.  There will be Emo. There will be shock.  There WILL be Woe!

(And this one won’t take a week to get published. Promise!)

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


Sucked In

26/01

Here. Boggle the moobs of amazing awesomeness while you wait. It's okay. Emo!Thor doesn't mind.

Mea Culpa, Emo!Thor enthusiasts! I haven’t been ignoring you on purpose.

See, this game came out, DC Universe Online…maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s been sucking out my soul of late because, honestly, it’s that damned cool.

But I’m hoping to have the finale for the current E!T arc up sometime later today or tomorrow.

~Go Team DCUO!
The Snarkstress *H*


Thor’s Demise? SO SOON?

20/01

Issue #118, Journey Into Mystery (July 1965)

The Mighty Thor “To Kill A Thunder God!”

I would’ve posted this yesterday, but then I thought to myself: “Self, what is better suited to Thor’s Day Thursday than part one of a completely EPIC BATTLE that somehow manages to outdo any battle he’s been in yet?”

Yeah. You read that right.

Now keep in mind, I haven’t read ALL of the comics yet… I’m going through these one at a time, but thanks to the intertubes, I know a little bit about Destroyer (and his association with the upcoming movie), so when I started flipping through this issue and realized that they weren’t joking about how incredibly bad-ass Destroyer is, I couldn’t wait to give it the proper snark treatment it deserves!

When last we left our hero, he was flying off into the sunset, carrying Little Kim (not the rapper, although the implications of that are insanely funny) to safety as her brother took himself out of the gene pool, courtesy of some well placed explosives and a bullet.  He achieved his goal of tracking down Loki’s sack (no, I will never get tired of typing that) and was on his way to show Daddy!Odin that Loki was a lying-liar-McCheaterpants.  That about sums it up.

ONWARD!

We open with a couple of American soldiers manning the guns on a random helicopter, when one of them spots something zooming toward them.  What initially was thought to be an enemy aircraft ends up being, in fact, the golden haired Thunder God himself.  Showing his utter and complete disregard for military regulations, Distracted!Thor leaves Kim with them and heads off for Asgard.  As he’s hammering away, a thought occurs to him:

Verily, Emo!Thor. Woe AND tragedy

Of course, back in Asgard, Pouchless!Loki watches on with rage and contempt (and a whoooole lotta emo himself), and is spurred into action when he realizes that the end might very well be nigh:

Hmm. Looks like someone's about to get his scheme on.

Apparently, near to where Thor is busily fondling Loki’s pouch, is a ruthless hunter with a greedy heart….who has just stumbled upon our hero preparing to take flight again, thanks to Loki’s intervention. Guess who gets to be the next baddie in our ever-growing list?

Yup. Looks like we have a winner. Greedy!Hunter, come on down!

Rather than waste a bullet on bagging Emo!Thor, he decides to employ something far more sinister. Something rated PG. Something that will take out a HERD OF ELEPHANTS:

A... sleeping gas shell? What kind of hunter IS he? EPIC!SWOON!

Unconscious!Thor is taken back to Greedy!Hunter’s camp and promptly tied down, while our new baddie thinks about just what he’s going to do with the sleeping Thunder God:

BDSM!Thor strikes again...

Apparently, our Conniving!Hunter has stumbled across a cache of weapons dating from the Viking Age and he is intrigued as to why they might be THERE in the middle of a jungle.  His workers point out that they, er, weren’t there before, and they’ve got a bad feeling about them:

Actually, dood, I do think that's precisely what they're saying. Not that you're really listening or anything.

Disbelieving!Hunter takes exception to being questioned and second guessed and decides to demonstrate the strength of his pimpin’ hand:

I'll be the union reps are gonna be pissed when they hear about this.

Having sufficiently slapped around his staff, Detestable!Hunter goes stalking off into the jungle on his own, determined to find the greatest treasure of them all.  Gloating!Loki is pleased with his choice and directs him to a huge rock… in the middle of nowhere. He finds himself irresistibly drawn toward it when it suddenly explodes!  When the dust finally settles, we find ourselves face to face with something unexpected:

A giant Viking crotch! No, wait, there's a temple there. IS NO ONE ELSE SUSPICIOUS OF AN EXPLODING PLATEAU THAT TURNS INTO A GIANT TEMPLE? Must be just me, then.

Curious!Baddie creeps into the temple, remembering a long lost story about a long lost monster called The Destroyer who has been hidden for ages. Yeah. I’d like to know where he heard THAT story from. It kinda defeats the purpose of keeping things “secret” and all.  ANY-hoo, he follows the long corridor, until at last he finds himself face to face with:

A...suit of armor? Really? That's it?

Of course, things go from confusing to worse for our unwitting baddie, because no sooner does he make the connection to the legend, another connection is forged:

OH SNAP! This can't be good.

Meanwhile, back in the camp, our hero wakes up from his gas induced slumber:

Bound, fettered, and frankly, loving it!

Emo!Thor is understandably pissed right the hell off, and the workers? They tremble.

Someone's gonna get slapped for this MONUMENTAL INDIGNITY (they didn't ask him for his safe word)

ANGRY!Thor races off toward the direction given by the terrified workers, and finds himself shocked to discover the Temple of Darkness, the Odin-made house of the Destroyer. So tell us, Thor, what’s the big deal about a rusty old suit of armor?

Oh. I see. Well... about that...

Thor realizes he’s too late when he finds the body of the Hunter, frozen in place, and before he can touch the body, Destroyer steps in to swat him away, and then he continues doing what he was made to do:

Well that's easy enough to remember. I see the reason for the name now.

Thor decides it’s time to turn out the lights on this particular bad scene, so he does what we expect him to do… He flings Mjolnir at Destroyer. But here’s where things get weird:

Wait,wait, wait...WHAT? You already KNEW he could lift the hammer? AND YOU STILL THREW IT AT HIM?

EPIC!*FACEPALM*!

Meanwhile, back in Asgard, Loki’s having second thoughts about this awesome scheme of his.

I believe this qualifies as an "Oh Shit" moment, folks. Cue panicked run for help in 3...2...

HAAAAAALP!

Loki discovers a tiny little fly in the ointment, however, when he’s stopped by the armed guard outside of Odin’s chambers:

Oh. SNAP. It's my fault. I told him he needed a nap last issue. My bad. I didn't realize he was listening.

Seems as though Daddy!Odin needs his beauty rest, and none shall pass. Which leaves Loki in a somewhat…desperate situation:

Back! BACK I SAY! I WILL GET THROUGH!

And in an excellent display of what happens when the master deceiver finally decides to tell the truth about something… the guards toss him into prison because, surprise, they don’t believe him:

See what happens when you're known as a lying liar McCheaterpants? Odin may believe you, but the rest of Asgard? Eh, not so much.

Back on Earth, the battle between Thor and Destroyer rages on.  Pillars are taken out, hammers are flung, forcebolts are fired from fingertips…

OMG! WHAT!? What is that... I DON'T EVEN...

De-Hammered!Thor, cradling his injured baby, finally gets well and truly pissed:

Go. Team. Thor! This fight is about to get very, VERY real. BRING IT!

But wait! He has another thought:

Oh yeah. That's right! Will Loki's Pouch save the day?

Thor tries to levitate out of the way, using the stones, but Destroyer is having none of that.  Using a magnetic field (effective because Thor has all SORTS of metal all over him), he introduces Flying!Thor to the ground with extra emphasis for good measure:

Oh. Oh noes. This is NOT good.

Let’s cut away to Asgard, where Emo!Loki is in FULL effect:

Perhaps you should've thought of that BEFORE you set this whole thing into motion, eh, Loki? I'm just sayin'.

Devious!Loki decides to try to dazzle his way out of the prison, managing to snare ONE guard, but the other one, he’s not impressed:

GO TEAM ASGARD GUARD! You show him who's boss.

Shackled securely, Loki sinks into the mire of his own emo faster than Artax in the Swamp of Sadness:

WOE! WHO SHALL SAVE THOR NOW?

Back to the fight, where Thor is determined to break free from his diamond floor prison, despite protestations to the contrary that all hope is lost.  Destroyer, fed up with arguing the point, turns his attentions to making sure his human body is okay.  Finding it undamaged, he resumes destroying his ultimate foe, releasing a blast that surely spells the end for our hero:

*blink* NOOOOOOOO!

Stay tuned for the next issue: Did Thor survive? Will the Thunder God break free? And what the hell is going to happen to Loki?

All that, and MORE, in the next post!

~Go Team Thor!
The Snarkstress *H*


Thor Blazes Into Battle!

17/01

Issue #117, Journey Into Mystery (June 1965)

The Mighty Thor “Into The Blaze Of Battle!”

The thrilling continuation of our previous tale, this issue sees our favorite Emo Thunder God thrown into the main fray of the times: the Vietnam War.  Oh c’mon. You knew it was only a matter of time before Thor found himself embroiled in the conflict, fighting for truth and justice and Loki’s sack.

Yeah. I said it.

Here’s the best thing: I have been WAITING for a Thor story arc like this for quite some time (one that spans more than merely 2 or 3 issues) so the next several updates are going to just … well they’ll blow your minds.  Because they most certainly had me completely wrapped up and on the edge of my seat. No, seriously. I nearly fell off the chair laughing several times.

But I’m going to stop with the teasing.

ONWARD!

So that's kinda where we left off last time... less emo, more action!

Sneaky!Loki has managed to win the day via his wits and cunning (according to him) and a little help from the Norns… or rather, the stones that he managed to get his paws on before starting out on this little adventure.  Naturally, as we discovered in the last issue (and indeed, have known all along), Gabby!Loki is physically incapable of keeping his sneakiness to himself when it comes right down to it, so he gloated to Thor once they were out of sight of Odin.  Did this irritate our hero?

You betcha it did.

Now that they’re back on Asgard, Frustrated!Thor threatens to tattle on Loki about his trickery, and in response, Loki wiggles his fingers, opens a portal, and flings the sack of stones right on through, thereby making it IMPOSSIBLE for Thor to back up his accusations.  Thor reacts as one might suspect to this particular slight:

LOKI!SMACK!

In a show of brotherly love, Thor gives Loki one last chance to tell him where the stones are before he crushes him into nothingness:

See? Aww. *grabs a kleenex* They just love each other SO MUCH!

Just then, Odin’s imperial guard arrives to escort the two back to the Great Hall of Valhalla so that Odin might finally proclaim the victor.  Moments later, Loki and Thor square off before Daddy!Odin in an epic He said/He said battle:

Oh will you, Odin? It was your decision that put them in this predicament... Just sayin'. Maybe it's time for the AllFather to take himself a little nap.

Thor is granted the opportunity to track down Loki’s sack, due to his battle prowess, valiant deeds, his heroism, and his unswerving loyalty. (AGAIN, I simply must ask… WHY did Daddy!Odin believe Loki before given all of the above praise that he continuously heaps upon his favored son?) Thor has 24 hours to figure out where the stones are before final sentence is passed upon the two.

Typical. SOMEONE always has to have the last word. I'm thinking this is going to become a regular fixture any time Odin is involved. Someone's finally found his catchphrase du jour.

Meanwhile, back on Earth… Hey, does anyone remember that fight going on over Harlot!Jane? Yeah. Me too. So it would appear the battle over Harlot!Jane rages on, with Balder explaining his reasoning to a confused Executioner: Jane is Thor’s beloved and Balder is Thor’s friend, therefore, he’s fighting for her on behalf of her absentee pseudo-boyfriend.  Thanks for clearing that up, B! Enchantress, who has thus far been standing idly by (because that’s what she DOES) decides to intervene after who knows HOW long…and her answer?

She asks Evil Demons to give the boys a "sign".

Executioner takes advantage of the interruption to try to think of a new strategy, but ‘lo! Someone comes!

Aww, crap!

Executioner decides to save his own skin, knowing that Thor will thrash him soundly should he discover that he’s been menacing his nearly-but-not-quite-girlfriend, so he rips a piece of the broken sign and hurls it toward a water truck in the distance:

Really, Executioner? I mean, I see your logic, but this is the God of Thunder we're talking about.

Realizing that his diversion isn’t going to really slow Emo!Thor down when he’s in full on “Jane’s In Danger” mode, Executioner elects to beat a hasty retreat, telling Enchantress she’d better follow along.  She curses herself for believing Loki, shoves Jane at Balder, and takes off:

Harlot!Jane has become about as effective at warding off Enchantress as garlic is at warding off vampires.

Thor emos to Balder’s side, checking the status of his lady love and then dash off for more urgent matters, trusting that she’s in Balder’s FULLY capable (and strong, and soothing…) hands:

Thanks, bro, gotta run and do important stuff now! At the rate and speed with which the Asgardians are wiping Weepy!Jane's mind, I'll be surprised if she doesn't forget her own name soon.

While Balder hoists the now-unconscious Jane into his arms, Emo!Thor departs, intent on finding Loki’s sack before the 24 hour time limit is up.  He hammers off into the atmosphere, because he needs to be able to survey the whole planet in order to find the gems, guided by Mjolnir’s Uru.

SUCCESS! I wonder why Loki stashed them in Asia, of all places...but y'know, whatever works.

Thor chases after the hammer tingle directing him into the jungle, and that’s when THIS happens:

Oh! Well okay then. Hello thar, Vietnam war....wondered when you were going to show up! And, Thor, honey, if you can still be destroyed by weapons or other artificial means, I think it's safe to assume that word, Immortal? I do not think it means what YOU think it means.

With all the explosions going off around him, our hero does what ANYONE would do in that situation, especially if they’re an invincible Thunder God who can literally do ANYTHING:

Operation ATTACK SHRUB, successful! Damn you, Arbor Day Society!

Yes, our Emo!Thor hides in the bushes. All the better to ambush the baddies coming his way.

GO TEAM THOR! ATTACK! Oh... wait.

Remember that bit about being “destroyed by weapons or other artificial means” from just a few panels ago? Things look mighty DIRE for our hero in that case, because a big huge shell like that must surely have killed him!

Or not. Someone needs to give our hero a dictionary and a homework assignment.

But never fear. He’s okay:

And looking mahvelous thanks to that makeup makeover! The blue really makes your eyes POP! And those lips! Easy, breezy, beautiful...Fem-Thor!

Sitting up, he inquires about his attackers only to be told that they left, thinking our hero was, in fact, an EX-Hero.  Luckily for Thor, this kind family took him back to their place to totally let him recuperate. Because Buddha sent him to them. He doesn’t correct them. Ever.

Woe-call! Tragedy and fear! Fear and hunger! Can't you just FEEL the emo-crescendo? I can.

Emo!Thor emos back and forth about what he should do, and then, A SIGN:

*fate!tingle* Of course it does, Thor, especially when you spend as much time fondling it as you do.

Tingly!Thor immediately forgets all about the troubles of the Emo!Village and sets off for the Loki sack, but there’s a little… problem, if you will:

OH NOES! Damn that useful and majestic cape! I think the trees are revenging their fallen brethren...it was only a matter of time, people. You know Thor's track record with trees.

In a moment of clarity, Thor decides that in this instance he’d rather be Lame!Blake, so he thwack’s out and continues his search, pausing periodically to switch back into Thor and use his hammer to make sure he’s headed in the right direction.  Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Thirsty!Loki gets a visit from the Norn Queen.  She wants her stones back. Loki tells her to hold her horses:

Looks like Operation Panties-In-A-Bunch was a success. Good job, there, Loki. Nothing quite like causing your allies to recoil in horror to help your cause.

And then…THEN we are treated to something I wasn’t sure I’d get to see so soon!  Behold:

First, unreasonable anger. He wasn't that thirsty ANYWAY! So there! NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND HIS HATE!

Loki's obsession with sexing up chairs continues. Seriously, seating must be like catnip to him.

Is it? ... IT IS! EMO!LOKI has come out to play!!Oh how Emo!Thor would be so PROUD! *tear*

Speaking of Thor…Just then, Emo!Loki is alerted to Lame!Blake’s appearance via his big blue ball. No really.

See? Irony, thy name is Emo!Loki!

Back on earth, a swarm of guerrillas ambush poor Blake just as he’s readying to Thwack-out.  They tie him to his cane and take him underground to their illustrious leader while Blake laments that he can’t pound his cane because of how it’s situated.  The Comrade Commander (no, I’m not kidding about the name) eyeballs his captive with icy gaze while Lame!Blake flounders about to somehow convince him that he’s not a spy but a doctor! CC shows a picture of Thor in flight, but Fiesty!Blake refuses to submit!

Say me NAY will you? Behold! I kick your stool!

And as expected, the hostages brought in are none other than the very same family who helped Thor earlier! The ones he abandoned! Boy…great job there protecting the innocent, Blake.  They were apparently the very last family left alive in the village, and mother mentioned to her captors (just in passing, I’m sure) that she has an errant son who has been missing for years.  BUT WHO COULD THAT SON BE?

Putting the "fun" in dysfunctional.

While the family reunion distracts CC, Lame!Blake makes a run for it (abandoning the family that helped him YET AGAIN), managing to get far enough away to finally run smack dab into a CLUE and fling himself to the floor so that his cane strikes it.

EPIC!FACEPLANT! Yes, Blake. You sure did do it. Took you long enough.

He promptly turns right around and beats the hell out his pursuers before following his leaping hammer directly to the sack!  But there’s a minor issue:

Oh. Hmm. Well that could prove problematic. Good thing he was able to control himself!

Meanwhile, back in the chamber, the family feud continues to escalate as mother and brother gang up on CC about how shameful his actions have been.  This, of course, sits perfectly well with CC:

If by "perfectly well" you mean "he absolutely loses his shit".

I’m willing to bet you’ve already figured out what transpires next, haven’t you, Emo!Thor Enthusiasts?

Oops doesn't even BEGIN to cover this little faux pas. In a moment of absolute clarity, CC realizes he might have acted a bit... rashly.

So Kim goes running off because, hello, her brother just slaughtered the rest of her family in front of her, and Thor, sack in hand, rushes to help her, managing to sneak a game of bowling in as he goes:

STRIKE! GO TEAM THOR!

Kim flings herself into Thor’s steely sinewed arms (and somewhere, Harlot!Jane and Wasp are weeping bitter tears of woe) and CC charges around the corner to a full stop as he finds himself face-to-face with the one he was looking for.  But it would appear, the emo is rubbing off, for he cares not for anything now…it’s too late for him.  Hey, guess what time it is?

Heroic Monologue Time! YAY! Someone's gonna get spanked!

Thor grabs Kim and whirlwinds out of the caves, leaving our crestfallen baddie with only one option:

It's all Communism's fault, Little Kim, never forget that. Maybe the writer should tell us how he REALLY feels, eh?

In the next issue: This epic tale continues, with the judgment of Odin! Will Emo!Thor get back to Asgard before the time is up? Stay tuned. Because you REALLY don’t want to miss this next one.  Until then, I leave you with one final image from Tales of Asgard:

When you've got a sword that big, you can wear whatever damned wacky hat you WANT. EPIC!SWORD!FONDLE!

~Go Team Thor!
Snarkstress *H*


Why The UK Is Making Snarkstress Jealous

15/01

I adore our friends across the pond. The culture, the food, the history…all of it makes me rather envious at times.  We do intend on visiting at some point in the near future, but they have yet ANOTHER thing to make this poor little Emo!Thor enthusiast extremely jealous:

In France. 4-27-11. OMG!

That’s right.  Folks in the UK and France get to see the movie I’m absolutely DYING to see almost a full WEEK before it hits theaters stateside. No, really.  It’s true. And ‘lo…I am green with envy.

Angry!Thor is dramatically angry about Snarkstress having to wait to behold his awesomeness on the big screen!

And speaking of green things… Green Hornet is out in theaters, as is Green Lantern.  Will we be seeing both? You betcha.  Although I’ve never been a GH fan, I’m going to see it on sheer principal (because I really like Seth Rogan), despite some rather lackluster reviews.

I fear it shall be epically bad, but damnit, I'm committed.

The same holds true of Green Lantern: Not a huge fan, never read the comics, but Oh. Mah. Gawds. Ryan Reynolds is made of utter yum…and always has been.

Not AS sexay as Thor, but damned close, and eyecandy nonetheless.

Let’s not forget Captain America (Chris Evans) and his incredibly AMAZING outfit! It’s so steampunk and so fitting for this movie.  I’m actually finding myself looking forward to this summer’s movie offerings. Not just because it’s bound to be one HUGE ocular orgy for some of us.

I'm going to need some serious alone time by the time the Summer is over.

Also? They’ve finally released the first image of the new Spiderman reboot.  I’m still on the fence about this… part of me wants to love it, the other part of me has gotten insanely tired of rebooting the same movies again and again by Hollywood.  I’m seriously holding out the hope that THIS Peter Parker is MUCH less whiny than Toby’s version.

Although, from this pic, they're totally ramping up the emo-image. Just sayin'.

What other movie news can I inundate you with? Ah yes. Sucker Punch and the third Batman movie.

This? This looks awesome on SO MANY LEVELS. But looks can be deceiving.

I honestly don’t know what all to expect from this flick, but the imagery I’ve been bombarded with so far has been impressive. Hot girls. Dragons. Swords.  Guns.  Baddies? Yeah.

Mmmm. Batsy AND Superman?? My DC heart just quivered a little.

Was I the only one absolutely THRILLED with the news that the last Batman movie was NOT going to be in 3D?  Don’t get me wrong, I completely plan on seeing Thor in 3D when it hits theaters this May, but on average, I’ve gotten entirely too tired of movies being filmed in that format because it makes me feel like it’s just another way for studios to jack up the prices on movies.  I don’t mind paying the already exorbitant price for the theater experience, but there comes a point that you just have to say “enough is enough”.  Thankfully, Chris Nolan said it for me. YAY!

Hearing that WB has a few competing movies waiting in the wings (Lobo, Aquaman, Green Arrow, Superman reboot, Justice League, Deadman…and WONDER WOMAN), I can’t wait to see what happens, because c’mon: Superheroes on the big screen!  Provided they keep Megan Schlox out of the WW role, I’ll be a relatively happy woman for several years to come.

Okay. That’s all I’ve got right now.  Off to make some Kahlua Pork and spend quality downtime with my Dragon.

~Go Team Thor!
The Snarkstress *H*


Emo!Thor On Trial!

13/01

Issue #116, Journey Into Mystery (May 1965)

The Mighty Thor “The Trial Of The Gods!”

Poor Emo!Thor.  Thanks to Lying!Loki’s unbelievably effective falsehood, Daddy!Odin has ordered the two to stand trial…something that has weighed heavily on our hero.  (Let me just go on record here to say: BOOHISS Daddy!Odin!) Thor just can’t catch a break and, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty sure that we haven’t seen the last of Absorbing Man.

So now, with Harlot!Jane’s mind freshly wiped clean of anything she may have seen in Asgard, Absorbing Man consigned to wander space as a humanoid shaped cloud of Helium, and the world safe, once more, for non-gods everywhere, our hero finds himself heading back to Asgard to endure the Trial of the Gods!

Really, Odin? Does it honestly take a rocket scientist to figure out WHO lied?

ONWARD!

We open in Odin’s throne room, where he’s laying out the rules of this particular challenge:

Oh it only SEEMS loud because of the acoustics. C'mon. He designed it that way. Also, is that a bull on his head? Must be wacky hat day in Asgard.

Seems easy enough, despite Daddy!Odin’s warning that even immortals may find death lurking within Skornheim.  We’ll ignore the implications of what “immortal” really means, as those rules do NOT apply here.  Emo!Thor hands over his hammer at Odin’s request, and we are again reminded that here in Asgard, the 60 second rule doesn’t apply either.  Good thing, too, because I somehow doubt that it’s going to take less than 60 seconds to get through this challenge. Daddy!Odin uses his omnipotence (nicely done, there, writers) to fling his unruly, disobedient, and lying liar offspring into the fray:

I suppose there are less dramatic ways to kick off a challenge.

The duo land atop a blue mountain in the depths of Skornheim, with Boastful!Loki wheedling Unarmed!Thor about how brains will always beat brawn.  And then, Loki reveals his nefarious advantage:

Hint: he's not going to be relying solely on his wits.

Obviously, Thor calls shenanigans, whereby Devious!Loki decides it’s time to taunt his adversary.  By wiggling the gem in the light, he can project images of earth.  One in particular catches Emo!Thor’s attention:

Ah, look. Our favorite sorceress and her faithful pet, they were in the neighborhood and decided to pay Harlot!Jane an unexpected visit. CONTROL YOURSELF, THOR!

Predictably, Thor lets this bother him to NO end…which is precisely what Loki was counting on:

Oopsie! About that mountain...

So as the hill turns to quicksand, trapping our intrepid hero, Lucky!Loki beats a hasty retreat, counting on the quicksand keeping his foe occupied for a while.  But not before he has a little chuckle:

Ahhh. Norn Stones. That 'splains it. Anyone else amused at how Omnipotent!Odin managed to miss them?

Of course, our hero is able to break free of his lava-stone trap, mere seconds before it becomes his final resting place, because he has so much more at stake than just HIS life now…Harlot!Jane is in danger!  And yet, he’s not as dumb as Loki seems to think he is:

WHEE! When in doubt, butt-slide! Even Thunder Gods know how to make the best of a bad situation.

Further ahead, Loki finds himself facing a veritable forest of spiny thorn plant things.  He once again consults the stones, knowing they won’t have an effect on the plants, BUT they DO work on his own body:

Complete with iconic Dracula cape pose...minus the cape.

Thor arrives on the scene, moments later, and knowing that he can’t quite bash his way through bare handed, has a lightbulb moment:

Raging heart and mighty limbs brought to you by Pantene. Don't hate him because he's beautiful.

Pantene!Thor bashes his way through to the other side, just in time to catch Loki (who forgot he was being followed, apparently, and so let the stones turn him solid again).  Betcha can’t guess what happens next, can you?

Aaaaand....it looks like Loki's distraction plan is working perfectly.

Before our hero can throttle the life out of Ragdoll!Loki, they’re interrupted by yet another Skornheim resident:

I know what you're thinking....his hands look like two gasoline pumps. Trust me... they aren't.

But enough of that drama! Let’s flash back to Asgard to see how Daddy!Odin is coping with sending his progeny into battle against each other:

*GASP!* Avert your gaze, shameless Balder! Nekkid!Odin is not to be trifled with!

Balder has discovered Loki’s plot to menace Harlot!Jane and thinks that Odin might want to take a peek himself:

From bare to bear. Someone has serious body issues for being the Big Guy In Charge, just sayin'.

He stalks to his Celestial Television Screen of Awesome and fires it up, just in time to see what’s going on:

I really need to get one of those. No remote necessary? SO BE IT!

Odin is greeted with Enchantress and Executioner in full on menace mode, as Harlot!Jane runs away, and his heart grows cold with rage.  This shall not STAND!  He immediately dispatches war rocket Ajax Balder to take care of the situation.  Meanwhile, back in Skornheim, Flying!Loki flees the scene, and Yagg, pissed that he didn’t get Loki, turns all his wrath on Emo!Thor. What’s a Thunder God to do?

Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

He hurls his petrified rock fragment at Yagg, which apparently does JUST the trick, knocking Yagg down.  Fight over, Emo!Thor trudges after Coward!Loki, determined to see this thing completely through because he sorta HAS to.  It’s apparently been long enough that Loki’s made it several leagues ahead of our hero, and we find Loki first whirlwinding his way through the superheated boulder road of Skornheim, right to the doorstep of some very NASTY looking flora:

Feed me, Seymore!

Naturally, Loki has a stone for THAT too, one that repels all forms of plant life, carnivorous or no.  Asgard is in his sights, so let’s flash back to earth, as yet another drama is unfolding:

HAAAAAALP!

The people milling about attempt to offer some assistance (in the form of “Hey, you, unhand her!” while another gets the cops…ahh, but for a cell phone this wouldn’t be an issue), and it obviously fails horribly when Executioner uproots a lamppost and drives them all back, like so much cattle:

Aw, c'mon Executioner. You're not going to let a little thing potential fiery death by Odin's hand stop you from hurting Harlot!Jane, are you?

Apparently, herding them back with an UPROOTED LAMPPOST isn’t enough to deter the fine citizens on the street, because they regroup to come running at the menacing pair, intent on freeing Jane and teaching Executioner a thing or two about manners:

Gotta love the gang mentality. Go get 'em, boys!

Of course, where might didn’t work previously, Enchantress thinks she’ll be able to sway the unruly rabble:

Well why didn't you just do that in the FIRST PLACE, lady?

BUT! There’s someone else watching the events below.  No, it’s not Odin this time, nor Balder… it’s an unnamed member of the Teen Brigade!  He immediately sends out a distress call to Rick Jones, who curiously isn’t answering his phone.  Why, you may ask?

Oh I see. Thor couldn't make it, so RJ fills in? Nice move, boys.

Iron Man, Rick Jones, and Cap’n all express a bit of concern at Thor’s absence (amusingly, they don’t ask Wasp’s opinion, but I’m pretty sure they’re just trying to avoid sending her into a dream-stricken, misty-eyed, ‘He’s beeyootiful’ trance), and then they all poof, because by the time the guy sending out the call finally gets around to contacting the Avengers, they’re gone and the call goes straight to voicemail.  Just then, there’s a noise outside dood’s window:

Can’t stop kid, gotta get to Gigli auditions…my career depends on it!

Not to be dissuaded by Daredevil’s brush off, dood decides to contact the Fantastic Four, because SURELY, they’ll be able to help!

Where the hell have all the heroes gone?

That ball-ship menacing the Baxter Building is apparently full of baddies (the Frightful Four?) wanting to ambush the F4, but they’re having the same problem as the Teen Brigade dood.  A fireball comes streaking toward them, and, convinced it’s the Human Torch, they beat a hasty retreat.  But it is NOT Johnny Storm, we discover:

Flame ON, bright Balder!

Moments later, he emerges, looking about as normal as any Asgardian does while walking amongst the normals:

Burning intensity? Check. Piercing gaze? Check. Swanky grey suit and hat? Check. Project Balder Integration successful.

He proceeds to call out Executioner and Enchantress, demanding they turn and fight him instead.  Meanwhile, back in Skornheim:

So.....Hot.....That's it, Emo!Thor, show us your tortured face. Good! Now let's try 'agonized hero desperate to save his lady love'...EXCELLENT! Baby, you're a natural!

He shows up at the edge of the Carnivorous Plant Forest, and absolutely goes INSANE (and who could blame him really?):

RAWR! GO TEAM THOR!

Finding a water source, he leaps into the depths, swimming the last few miles on one breath, because, damnit, he’s THOR!  He climbs from the water in time to see Loki running toward the final hurdle, and though he may be tired, and sore, and ready to drop, he makes one last ditch effort to stop Loki from winning the challenge:

That's what we like to call a 'rhetorical question', Loki, because the answer will always be the same: NO.

Unfortunately, that moment of relaxation ultimately leads to Thor’s loss!  As Triumphant!Loki fades through the dimensional portal, winning the challenge, Thor, drippy with emo, yet again finds himself alone:

Oh. Crap. Well that's just the tragic cherry on his woe cake, now isn't it?

Looks like we have to wait until the next issue to find out the result of Loki’s triumph over Thor!  Until then?

~Go Team THOR!
The Snarkstress *H*


Emo!Thor Takes On The Absorbing Man, Part Two

06/01

Issue #115, Journey Into Mystery (Apr. 1965)

The Mighty Thor “The Vengeance of The Thunder God!”

When we last left our hero, he was dashing off to save Harlot!Jane from the clutches of Evil!Loki.  The last issue was chock full of woe, surprises, and a baddie who seemed entirely too powerful for Thor to beat.  Absorbing Man, in the running against Mister Hyde as quite possibly the most ugly human-turned-supervillain, was able to thwart Emo!Thor at every turn; his body changing with each new introduction of force, from rock to steel to Uru to the forces of nature themselves!  And all the while, Scheming!Loki had other plans (aside from sporting some nifty new headgear…ditching the horn hat for a winged-ish one).  If it weren’t for the intervention of Balder, poor Emo!Thor wouldn’t have known Jane was missing at all, what with him forgetting dinner plans and having the attention span of a gnat on crack as Lame!Blake.

Rather than hammer off, Thor RIDES off, ON A HORSE, to go rescue his lady love, while the abandoned Absorbing Man prepares to menace a home in the middle of nowhere…and that about catches us up to where we need to be.

ONWARD!

It's nice to see that the success of the comic hasn't gone to their heads or anything.

So we open on Thor climbing his way up the side of a tower structure, looking about as pissed off as an angry Thunder God can be, while Loki and Jane look on from above.  Loudmouth!Loki is the first to speak, berating Thor for being stupid enough to meet him on HIS home turf and this time? It would appear Loki’s gone and gotten himself a sword, while Captive!Jane emoes in the background:

Oh, Jane, honey, we've been wondering the same thing.

Of course, Thor gets a word in:

Again with the naked strength. Someone needs to put a loin cloth on it at least!

And it would appear, as the two begin their epic fight, that Thor is especially angry that Loki has had the audacity to take an “earth girl” hostage, considering they’re both apparently pledged to do no harm a mortal being. Uh… Thor? I think Loki’s already broken that promise several times over.  Loki counters with “I didn’t technically harm her, just used her as bait,” but that’s not enough to appease Angry!Thor…and ‘lo, the battle rages on.

Back on earth, however, Harris Hobbs, the banana-peel-slipping-TNT-carrying reporter has found himself trying to explain to the police just what it is he’s doing out in the middle of nowhere. The police react about the way you’d expect, particularly when he tries to tell them about Creel.

A banana nut. Sure.

He goes on to explain how he watched the fight between Creel and Thor, how awesome it was, and expresses his doubt about whether the police will be able to stop him even if they DID catch up with Creel.

Meanwhile, a few miles north (because we’re jumping locations like the Fonz jumped the shark), Creel has set his sights on a place to sleep:

It cries itself to sleep at night, that's how woe-some and lonely this house is.

He decides it’s the place for him, despite the couple already inside going through the ’60s routine of “man returns home, wife caters to him instantly”. Of course, when Creel shows up and crashes the party, that routine grinds to a screeching halt.

AAAAND…back to Asgard, where the battle rages on.  Loki tries to freeze the molecules of air around Thor into a wall of enchanted ice.  I’ll bet you can guess just how well that works:

Yeah. If you didn't see that one coming, well...

Thor flings himself upon his half-brother, raging on about the rage in his heart and the strength in his sinews forcing Loki to yield, which, obviously, Stubborn!Loki has no intention of doing.  Just as things are getting really dire, there’s a bit of an interruption:

Ooooh! Someone's gonna get spanked!

Immediately, Lying!Loki launches into his latest deception:

She chooses NOW to faint? REALLY JANE?

Daddy!Odin knows of Loki’s inability to tell the truth.  I mean, the history alone should have taught him a thing or two about whether or not he can trust what Loki has to say. So naturally, he doesn’t believe a word of it… oh… wait:

Wait...WHAT? You're kidding, right?

Rather than protest the injustice of this decision, Emo!Thor begs Odin to hold off on the trial for 2 days, while he goes home to take care of some business: namely, putting Fainted!Jane to bed and resuming the ass kicking of a certain Crusher Creel.  Thankfully, Daddy!Odin remembers he has a brain and lets him go, despite Loki’s protestations to the contrary.

Awww. Tender!Thor and his lady love. She's out past her curfew.

What a day she’s had. But when she wakes up, I’m sure that she’ll be able to hash it out with Lame!Blake and he’ll be able to boop her nose and tell her it was just a dream:

Nose boops are So last issue. Let's just wipe her

And with her safely tucked away (and memory wiped) Emo!Thor hammers off to take care of the OTHER problem he left behind when Balder snatched him from the battlefield.

That problem is, by the way, busy still menacing the poor inhabitants of the house he’s decided to claim as his.  They initially put up a bit of a struggle:

Way to grow a pair there, John. I don't think he's buying it.

Creel  grabs him and tells him he’s about to learn a lesson.  Of course, seeing her man being man-handled pisses off little miss Ann, so she responds the way a woman is apparently supposed to in a situation like this:

Throw fine dishware at the problem.

But they both discover rather quickly just WHY this isn’t such a good idea:

Y'know, I think he might have a future in interior design.

Assured that his hostages are duly impressed with his abilities, he turns to bronze by grabbing a statue (because “No guy wants to be made outta silk!”), before scaring Ann into the kitchen to prepare him some grub, because all this body changing is making him rather hungry.

Of course, outside we find the police fumbling around in the woods, searching for Creel, with Hobbs tagging along, when Thor stumbles upon THEM:

Plan G? What, Plans A through F weren't good enough? And armed with bazookas and flame throwers? Have you not been paying attention, boys?

Thor tries to intervene, telling them to hold off a minute while he swoops in and takes care of Creel first, because he’s super dangerous.  And instead of listening, one of the bumblers in blue gets all uppity:

We got this, T-Man. Just because we've been highly ineffective so far doesn't mean we won't get lucky.

Thor wisely decides to completely ignore being told to go away, opting instead to beat them to the scene.  Hobbs points out the random house in the clearing and everyone heads in that direction.  Peeping!Thor recognizes Creel in the window and tells Hobbs to go back and convince the police to hang back…good luck with that dood, Hobbs is too keyed up about getting the big scoop. Reporters.

Inside, Creel is busy being a bully, and surprisingly, John ain’t gonna take it no more:

OH SNAP! Go Team JOHN!

But the celebration doesn’t last long:

Oh he touches it alright. He touches it A LOT. He DID just bust out of prison, and all. Careful, Creel, you know what they say...you might go blind.

Just then, Hobbs, in a display of blatant, brazen idiocy, flings himself into the fray, letting Creel know that he’s surrounded by the police. But we soon discover just why he’s put himself on the line:

Oh. So it's all Thor's fault? I see.

The taunting works and Creel smashes out through the side of the house in a rage.  No one calls HIM a phony and gets away with it.  He sees the cops and prepares to go all ball-smash, when Thor interrupts, playing the Avengers card (which apparently trumps the police authority), and he’s a little upset:

Bring. It. ON!

So they lock horns once more, and again, Emo!Thor has to pull out all the stops:

Because that totally worked the last time you tried it, Emo!Thor.

Creel absorbs the fire and turns into a lesser Lava Man (seen in an earlier post here), while the police look on and ring their hands in despair. The decide to fire a grenade at him, which detonates early considering that Creel is now made of, y’know, FIRE and all. Thankfully though, it appears to have an effect!

Oh that can't be good. Somehow, I don't think he's going to turn into Grass Man.

As everyone watches on in stunned amazement, Creel becomes….

What? What is that? I don't even know!

Our hero has gotten tired of warning Creel, and now that he’s this… thing, he decides it’s time to take the kid gloves off and get down to the nitty gritty:

It's hammer time, dood. GO TEAM THOR!

The smoke clears and we find that Elemental!Creel is gone. But where did he go? Emo!Thor explains it for those of us in the audience who are as confused as the police:

Wait, he floated away? Rather, anti-climactic dontcha think?

So you might be asking yourself, dear reader, just why is it a GOOD thing to have Helium!Creel floating about int he atmosphere? Well Emo!Thor has that covered too. It’s all a part of the plan:

Space...he's going to let him float around in space. Until he's powerless again. So what happens if he smacks into a planet, there smartypants?

After all that explanation, Hobbs decides he’s NOT going to print the story because no real newspaper would believe it was a true story. Really Hobbs? In a world with superheroes? In a city that’s seen COBRA and LAVA MAN? REALLY??

Well tell us how you really feel there, Hobbs.

Thor hammers off, because he has an appointment to keep with Daddy!Odin and that Trial of the Gods thing, leaving everyone else to gush in his wake:

*sniff* So. Proud. Now get back in that kitchen and make me some food.

But before he heads to Asgard, he has a little stop to make:

Careful there, Thor, you're getting emo all over the windowsill.

He’s interrupted in his woe-gazing by a summons home, and he hammers off, in the way only Emo!Thor can:

Damn. Straight. Go. Team. Thor.

In the next issue: Thor finds himself on trial with Loki, per Daddy!Odin’s decree. Who will triumph? What exactly IS a Trial Of The Gods? I plan on answering those questions for you in the next post.

Until then, I leave you with THIS image from the Tales of Asgard:

Smug!Loki is smug. Also? Rockin' the green headgear and the purple cape. Classic super-villain colors.

~Go Team Thor!
The Snarkstress*H*


Wherein We Join The Low-Carb Crew

03/01

In an effort to prove that there is more going on in our lives than merely an obsession with Thor, Marvel, Comics, and Video Games, we’ve decided that for the first month of the new year we’re doing something different around Hús af Snark.

I will only say that the mere idea of a “diet” is completely abhorrent to me.  Life is too short to count calories all day long.  But we’ve been meaning to clean up our eating style for a while, and being in a city now where there are fresh markets literally every few blocks, it’s rather ridiculous for us to ignore the plethora of yummy veggies everywhere.  As a result, we’re going to cut down the carbs, up the veggies and protein, and do what we can to enjoy all the bounty surrounding us.

I’ve been pouring over books, weighing our options (ba-dum-bum!), and since neither of us is comfy giving up meat entirely, we’re just going to drop the refined sugars down to a bare minimum and see what we can do.

I’m not expecting miracles. Neither is Dragon.  We’re just going to immerse ourselves, for the next month, at least, in an eating style I once swore I would never even contemplate.

If you hear screaming? It’s probably me, fighting off the urge to just nibble on one dry strand of pasta, in the throes of a carb-addict’s remorse fit. *sigh* But I will say this…I’ve given up cigarettes, and if I can do that? Carbs should be no sweat.

Prepare for an abundance of snark. You have been warned!

~Go Team Low-Carb
The Snarkstress *H*


Emo!Thor Vs. The Absorbing Man

01/01

Issue #114, Journey Into Mystery (Mar. 1965)

The Mighty Thor “The Stronger I Am, The Sooner I Die!”

Welcome to 2011, Emo!Thor Enthusiasts! Here we are in a new year, with new possibilities, new baddies, and new perils for our favorite emo hero to triumph over.  Happy 1/1/11!

This particular issue of JIM introduces something we’ve wanted to see for a while: a brand new baddie! And this one, from all the warnings and dire predictions set forth by the cover and first page of the comic, promises to be the most vexing foe of all. Don’t believe me?

See? *cue the ominous music*

ONWARD!

We open the issue just as Thor is chasing down an “enemy agent” in a “souped up bucket racing car”, giving his general warning of “Stop, or I’ll hurt you,” only, with more words.  Of course, the baddie in the race car already knows that Thor’s sworn to never take a human life (when was this, I wonder?) so he thinks he’s still going to get away. Well, okay then, bub:

Verily.

Desperate!Baddie resorts to using a blaster ray against our relentless hero, and Thor gets…snarky:

Oh. SNAP!

Dropping to his belly, Snapped!Baddie decides to try one more time with the blaster, and we suddenly find ourselves transported to Asgard, where another favorite foe is getting ready to interject his influence into the situation:

Oh hai there Loki! Haven't seen you meddling in a while...

Loki sends his little gift down to earth, spraying Emo!Thor with an invisible mist meant to slow him down for the grenade’s launch.  His thinking is that if he can slow down Thor, the grenade might not only hit him but kill him too.  Good thing our hero likes to think outside the box on a regular basis, and by simply whirling his hammer at super-sonic speed, he’s able to fend off the grenade attack.  And in a move designed to make tree-huggers weep anew:

If you listen closely, you can hear the sobs of the Arbor Day Society members.

Thor pins baddie to the ground with the tree branch, using it to keep him stationary until the police show up to take care of the situation.  Meanwhile, in Asgard:

CURSES! Epic Pout mode engaged. Shouldn't have changed your head gear, Loki, I'm just sayin'...

However, not to be fully thwarted, Pout!Loki comes up with ANOTHER plan (and another potion) and in no time at all, he finds another subject to test upon:

*scream* And he's hideous!

The Test!Convict, also known as Crusher Creel, absolutely loses his mind during the dinner rush, upending the table and announcing his imminent departure.  Someone mentions that Creel is twice as dangerous as a bull, but they’re about to find out that there was something a little “extra” slipped into his prison-approved juicebox:

Somewhere in the DC Universe, Superman is raising a skeptical eyebrow.

Steely!Crusher decides to make his OWN doorway out of the prison, and we find ourselves winging over to the city, where Lame!Blake is tending to another patient:

A banana peel injury? Oh Clark...er...I mean, oh, Hobbs! You clutzy reporter, you.

As if in need of validation, he explains to Blake that he slipped because he was chasing a story.  What story, you may ask? Why, an escaped convict with super powers, ‘natch!

And then maybe you can contact your very good friend Emo!Thor and send him to the BLACK WATER SWAMP AREA to potentially save the day. *wink wink nudge nudge*

At the departure of Hobbs, we discover that Harlot!Jane has worked up quite the appetite being herself, and that Lame!Blake is forever doomed to NEVER remember dinner dates:

*facepalm*A bear, Jane? Really? Will you grow claws and roar too?

Something tells me that Bear!Jane is about to be dining alone tonight. Again. :

Lame!Blake employs the infamous "nose boop" to soothe the savage Bear!Jane.

When she slinks off to find some noms, Blake Thwack!Thor’s out, mentioning that he’s not compelled to call the Avengers into action until he’s thoroughly assessed the situation. And, y’know, taken care of it because he’s Thor!  He hammers off, pausing only long enough to mentally gloat along the way:

Neener Neener...Thunder God trumps journalist chump.

Once deeply ensconced in the very heart of the swamp, we discover that Mjolnir has taken on a new power:

Oh does it now? Hammer tingling? This is new.

But alas, our hero sees only grey, boring rocks in his path!  And yet…

Apparently Thor hasn't gotten entirely used to when his hammer tingles yet. Trust the Tingle, Emo!Thor.

Stone!Crusher gives away his position, mid transition, choosing the direct approach:

Well okay, then.

However, the surprise is on Thor, because instead of crumbling upon impact, the ball actually holds up to the Uru’s might!  This surprises our hero, and then it’s time for a little … reveal:

A bigger surprise than an iron ball? And, out of curiosity, WHO TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS SUPER POWER?

So naturally, Thor decides to test the theory and they duke it out for who-knows-how-long, Crusher matching everything our hero does.  Of course, as they go into a whirlwind-off, they find themselves joined, secretly, but one intrepid reporter:

Okay, so, in what universe, precisely, are dynamite sticks the go-to choice for reporter protection?

Having the T.N.T. on hand has apparently given Hobbs the courage to completely interrupt a massive whirlwind-off between two super powers:

FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE! Emo!Thor has this all under control.

Whirly!Creed, with the super speed stolen from our hero, decides to mix things up a bit by stealing the dynamite, lighting it, and flinging it back at Hobbs. Only one thing to do:

Gives a whole new meaning to 'by the seat of your pants' doesn't it?

The dynamite goes off, as anticipated, but the whirlwind has kept Hobbs safely away from the blast.  As the smoke clears:

OH MAH GAWD! Emo!Thor is totally FACEPALMING!

Our hero sends Hobbs on his way back to alert the authorities, brushing off the obvious reporter-type invasive questions, and then returns to the fight.  Crusher has disappeared and Thor tracks him down, via a scared random dood on the side of the road:

I think it's safe to say we've ALL gone mad, Emo!Thor.

We fast forward to Crusher being a total dick at a nearby gas station:

I'm completely awesome now, do you hear me? AWESOME-SAUCE!

And he starts to dream about all the things he’ll be able to do: robbing banks, taking over small countries…

And then? Total world domination! Nothing too big, really.

His little daydream is interrupted by Thor’s arrival, and it’s back down to business. But Emo!Thor is DONE playing around:

Oh SNAP! GO TEAM THOR!

Crusher retorts with his rendition of “anything you can do, I can do better,” and Thor announces he’s DONE with the verbal back n’ forth.  Time to get all…serious:

It's go time, dood. THUNDER VOICE ACTIVATE!

But as impressive as the whoom-blow might be, it doesn’t quite achieve the intended effect (due to the whole…Absorbing man thing), so the fight continues anew!  It would appear that even LIGHTNING doesn’t stop Crusher, and thus, our hero is reduced to hand-to-hand combat. But in the midst of their struggle, a mist appears from nowhere, enveloping the foes and whisking Thor away from the fight:

Uh, did you NOT see that I'm having a fight? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT JANE'S GONE?

Emo!Thor is understandably upset, and the pair ride off to kick some Rue into Loki’s day, with our hero finally having a lightbulb moment:

Look at your man. Now look at me. I'm on a horse.

Back on earth, Crusher is left alone in the field, surrounded by purple fog, thinking that Thor has used magic to escape him.  Which merely bolsters his confidence:

Oh great. Look whose head has gone orbital.

Round about that time, Hobbs appears in the distance, but rather than rush out and kill him (as he originally plans to do), Crusher decides to make like a tree and leaf….to make plans:

See?

And back on Asgard, Emo!Thor’s being overwhelmed by offers to help take down Loki in his stronghold by all the other Asgardians, but we know what his response is, don’t we? Sing along if you know this tune:

Verily! He is so so alone. *emoing off into the distance*

And that’s where this issue ends, but stay tuned for the next one… and the exciting conclusion to this epic tale!

~Go Team Thor!
The Snarkstress *H*